A lot of stuff happened in 2009. Here’s some of it, organised in a vaguely chronological order.
Barack Obama got the year started on a high note with that whole Presidential thing. He was inaugurated as the 44th US President on January 20th – the first ever African American.
Rihanna and Chris Brown had 'drama' before the Grammy Award in February. And by 'drama', we mean he kicked the shit out of her in a parked car. By the year's end RiRi was sporting a new look and releasing her fourth solo album. Brown, meanwhile, was ranting about shops not stocking his album and wondering why everyone hated him.
The worst bushfires in Australia’s history swept through Victoria back in February. Temperatures reached an insane 46.4 degrees around Melbourne and the resulting fires saw 173 people lose their life and 500 injured.
Swine Flu was also a big deal earlier in 2009. While hysterical medical people were screaming about it being a global pandemic and the END OF THE WORLD, the reality was pretty lame. Swine Flu turned out to be regular flu with a fancy new name.
Amy Winehouse finally managed to get her shit together in 2009. Well, she wasn’t falling over in gutters and dying of a drug overdose every weekend so that was an improvement. Also, she ditched that Blaaaaaaake bloke and got herself a new pair of breasts.
Speaking of British fuck-ups, Pete Doherty also managed to stay out of jail and rehab. OK, not entirely, but he cut back A LOT. He even managed to release some music.
Susan Boyle amazed the world in April by demonstrating that ugly people can also sing. Fun fact: She’s actually two years younger than Madonna.
While lots of people died this year – a couple hundred million? – only one of them was Michael Jackson. His untimely passing due to 'wacky' drugs and 'idiot doctor' on June 25th made everyone forget those ugly rumours about inappropriate touching and fact he hadn’t had a hit since forever.
Other notable deaths this year included the all singing, all dancing, Patrick Swayze (nasty cancer) and Farrah Fawcett (different kind of cancer). Fawcett couldn’t have picked a worse time to die, she checked out the same day as Michael Jackson, totally missing out in all the publicity she would otherwise be entitled to.
Trust fund junkie, occasional photographer, Dash Snow died from a heroin overdose back in July. Vice magazine declared him the greatest artist of the 21st century. Everyone else shrugged their shoulders and pointed out that tagging homeless people isn’t very nice when you’re actually SUPER RICH and slumming it for laughs.
Keyboard Cat kept offices entertained for a whole week when he emerged from the depths of the internet mid way through the year.
Scientists turned on the Large Hadron Collider in September in an attempt to recreate the 'big bang' and make all known life disappear down a black hole. It didn’t work.
The law finally caught up with Roman Polanski in September. The Polish-French director was nabbed while attending an awards ceremony in Switzerland on a warrant for child rape charges dating back to 1977. He’s since been bailed and is under house arrest in a luxury Chate in the Alps.
Christian Bale had one of the best meltdown of all time when a lighting guy walked past his line of sight during the filming of that Terminator movie. Here it is again in all its meme-tastic glory:
So hey, turns out everyone’s been cheating on everyone. David Letterman got the ball rolling with that whole "I’ve slept with my interns" thing, but it was Tiger Woods who set some kind of infidelity world record. 14 women so far! Incredible.
Melbourne’s very own Bangs took us all to the movies in October. A week later, everyone had forgotten about him and his very earnest, well mannered rapping skillz.
Meanwhile, John Mayer released a new album and threatened to anally rape people.
October also saw Falcon Heene and his insane parents demonstrate how NOT to stage a hoax. The Balloon Boy saga kept US audience glued to their televisions for hours. Then everyone went to jail when police discovered it was an elaborate ruse.
Oh yeah, Britney Spears got her mind back and came to Australia. For some reason people were surprised that she was miming. Pink also toured and played about 400 million shows – because nobody cares about her outside of Australia.
The Kardashian Sisters kept us entertained throughout the year with their dating, dieting, baby making, marriages and general fame-whoring.
Tila Tequila lurched from one train-wreck to another in 2009. Aside from that whole thing with her boyfriend (which we can’t be bothered explaining) she was all kinds of naked and ranting on the internets. She ended the year by announcing her lesbian engagement via video stream. Apparently she’s hooked up with the (equally crazy) heir to the Johnson and Johnson fortune.
Kanye West + a bottle of Hennessy at the Video Music Awards + Taylor Swift = you know the deal.
Kanye did manage to salvage some dignity thanks to a short film he made with Spike Jonze about goblins in his stomach committing suicide.
DJ AM managed to escape death in a plane crash (good) only to die of drug overdose a few months later (not good).
Oprah announced her retirement from that show she does in late 2009. After 25 years of shilling books and screaming celebrities’ names she’s going to concentrate on building a cable network. What the hell happened to Rikki, Sally Jessie and Donahue?
Twilight: New Moon came out in November and Robert Pattinson provided millions of teenage girls (and boys) with 'private time' material. Also, some girl in the US lied about an old man biting her on the neck at a screening.
2009 saw Lady Gaga go from freak show to really successful freak show. While the outfits were all very special, the highlight was when she showed us her penis/strap-on while performing at that festival in the UK.
The year ended with Brittany Murphy going to that great big movie set in the sky. The actress died of a heart attack aged 32. So far authorities are saying it was due to natural causes. We expect that to change once the autopsy is finished. The same autopsy her husband didn’t want undertaken.
And finally – the most meme-tastic, discussed song of the year. Take it away, Beyonce: