The Kardashian family
have released their annual Christmas cards / family portraits. They look like Bold and the Beautiful press shots circa 1995 (ie: Kardashian's Kristmas Kards are Kreepy).
has had all charges relating to his recent ‘misadventures’ dropped. Also, he’s gotten a pay rise for Two and Half Men and now makes a billion dollars an episode. Charlie Sheen will bury us all – official.
Always wanted to dress like a Swiss Banker
but weren’t sure where to start? Swiss banking giant USB has released a 43 page style guide
for their deadbeat staff. Hot Tip: "Scarves are compulsory, and to be tied with 'authorized knots’".
OMG! Miley Cyrus
has been smoking t3h drugz! Looks like fun. Will have to try it one day.
and Scarlett Johansson
have split. Apparently that whole Sexiest Man in the Universe thing went to his head… or maybe something else happened, couldn’t be bothered reading beyond the headline. I’m very good at my job.
Meanwhile, Zac Efron
and Vanessa Hudgens
have also broken up. On her birthday. Which is always the best time to break up with someone. Don’t worry, “They are 100 percent still good friends."
didn’t attending the wedding of former bestie Nicole Richie
. According to a particularly bitchy friend of Nicole’s, she’s now "in a very different place in her life from when she was hanging out with Paris. She's the mother of two and now a wife while Paris seems to be in exactly the same spot she was in five years ago. Still partying in Vegas and getting into trouble with the law." Paris may have to cut a bitch.
has a 21-year-old
‘muse’. His name is Baptiste Giabiconi
, he’s from France, and he’s just released a hilariously shit single/video. Just hang in there until the “wotz wrong wiz you man?” bit (58 seconds in), totally worth it. Also, he blows up cars ‘with his mind’ later on.
been sentenced to two years in prison for gun possession. They should add another year for that horrible tour he did with Ashanti
all those years ago.
Elizabeth Hurley and Shane Warne? Just threw up a little in my mouth.
George W. Bush's niece, Lauren Bush
, is engaged to David Lauren
(son of Ralph). Only reporting this because if they get married Lauren could end up being called Lauren Lauren. Yes?
Photos of Ke$ha
having her lady parts very closely inspected by a dude have surfaced online. Don’t really want to know about this. Really regret looking at the photos
Are you totally over the WikiLeaks
thing? Same. Thankfully, our friends in Taiwan have compiled another one of their animated videos to put the whole thing in perspective.
Oprah ‘A NEW CAR!’ Winfrey
nearly killed Hugh Jackman
this week while prancing around Fed Square in Melbourne. Apparently she made him jump over a moving car or something.
New study alert: Your office is shrinking
! Right now, even as you read this, your office is slowly getting smaller and you smaller. According to an LA Times article, the average office has gone from 500-700 square feet per employee in the 1970s (massive) to 200 square feet per employee today (sad and pathetic). Also, openly drinking is now frowned upon. And you can’t sex people. Booooo!
Speaking of office fun, here’s a handy list of over-used buzzwords
to send you into a murderous rage. Hint: if you use ‘glocalisation’ you deserve a piano dropped on your head.
Want to know how dumb/smart your favourite website is? Google
have a convenient answer. If you select ‘Advanced Search’ you can now choose a ‘Reading Level’ modifier which breaks down website content into basic, intermediate and advanced content. Try it now and compare your most bestest sites. But not this one.
is a complete Luddite (via increasing our Google Reading Level status). According to an interview with Elle, "I don't use the Internet, but apparently you can find out everything on it.” Can we still make shoplifting jokes about Winona? Remember when we all loved her?
has been named Time magazine’s Person of the Year. Fair enough, he totally nailed it in that movie he made. Meanwhile, Facebook’s dark magic enables it to spot and identity you in virtually any photo. Years of ‘tagging’ friends means The Social Network knows exactly what you look like. Probably best not to think about the implications of all that.
Fittingly, Hulk Hogan’s
wedding ended in violence. A paparazzi snuck into the private ceremony and “shit was on” when the Hulk confronted him. This story is basically perfect and we don’t want to ruin it with pointless details.
Signs you’re rich: You have the severed head of Henri IV, the former King of France
, in your private collection. Apparently the head has been passed around between collectors since 1793, but was only recently verified by DNA testing
The Assassination of Yogi Bear
by the Coward Booboo. This is a homemade effort. It’s quite stirring. Someone needs to hire whoever made this.
has led an ‘interesting’ life and you’d imagine it would take a lot to gross him out. Well, congratulations Sea World, you’ve made Tommy (let’s hide the phone in the lady) Lee feel weird and uncomfortable with your SICK and TWISTED whale masturbation. Tommy seems to think the park masturbates their sperm whale (grow up), with “a cow's vagina filled with hot water." He’s written several letters complaining about this. Sea World are all, “dude, WTF? Not even.”
Ariel Pink’s Round and Round
has been named MP3zy of the year by Pitchforkie. We’re okay with this. Rest of their Top Ten here
The photos of Mad Men’s January Jones
as ‘the face’ of Versace's spring 2011 accessories campaign are go. Click through to the image gallery.
Are you in a shit (but strangely popular) band? Do you have stupid hair? Are in you Short Stack
? Here’s how not to write / plagiarise an album review.
Jon Bon Jovi
has been appointed to the White House Council for Community Solutions. So many potential jokes, so little room, feel overwhelmed.
Ladies and Gentlemen, the most popular YouTube
video of the year. 50 million views and counting, “hide your kids, hide, your wife, hide your kids, hide, your wife, and hide your husband…”
And finally, Fast and Furious 5
- Furious Five – brings back every single character from the serious. It looks awesomely stupid.
OK, fuck it.