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The week In trashbaggery sixty-five

17 DEC 2010 | Posted By: -Mikolai-

0
The week In trashbaggery sixty-five

Ariel Pink
 
Baptiste Giabiconi
 
January Jones
 
january jones
 
january jones
 
Joel and Nicole
 
Kardashian family
 
Kim Kardashian
 
Miley
 
Miley Cyrus
The Kardashian family have released their annual Christmas cards / family portraits. They look like Bold and the Beautiful press shots circa 1995 (ie: Kardashian's Kristmas Kards are Kreepy).

Charlie Sheen has had all charges relating to his recent ‘misadventures’ dropped. Also, he’s gotten a pay rise for Two and Half Men and now makes a billion dollars an episode. Charlie Sheen will bury us all – official.

Always wanted to dress like a Swiss Banker but weren’t sure where to start? Swiss banking giant USB has released a 43 page style guide for their deadbeat staff. Hot Tip: "Scarves are compulsory, and to be tied with 'authorized knots’".

OMG! Miley Cyrus has been smoking t3h drugz! Looks like fun. Will have to try it one day.


Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson have split. Apparently that whole Sexiest Man in the Universe thing went to his head… or maybe something else happened, couldn’t be bothered reading beyond the headline. I’m very good at my job.

Meanwhile, Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens have also broken up. On her birthday. Which is always the best time to break up with someone. Don’t worry, “They are 100 percent still good friends."

Paris Hilton didn’t attending the wedding of former bestie Nicole Richie. According to a particularly bitchy friend of Nicole’s, she’s now "in a very different place in her life from when she was hanging out with Paris. She's the mother of two and now a wife while Paris seems to be in exactly the same spot she was in five years ago. Still partying in Vegas and getting into trouble with the law." Paris may have to cut a bitch.

Karl Lagerfeld has a 21-year-old boyfriend ‘muse’. His name is Baptiste Giabiconi, he’s from France, and he’s just released a hilariously shit single/video. Just hang in there until the “wotz wrong wiz you man?” bit (58 seconds in), totally worth it. Also, he blows up cars ‘with his mind’ later on.


Ja Rule's been sentenced to two years in prison for gun possession. They should add another year for that horrible tour he did with Ashanti all those years ago. Elizabeth Hurley and Shane Warne? Just threw up a little in my mouth.

George W. Bush's niece, Lauren Bush, is engaged to David Lauren (son of Ralph). Only reporting this because if they get married Lauren could end up being called Lauren Lauren. Yes?

Photos of Ke$ha having her lady parts very closely inspected by a dude have surfaced online. Don’t really want to know about this. Really regret looking at the photos.

Are you totally over the WikiLeaks thing? Same. Thankfully, our friends in Taiwan have compiled another one of their animated videos to put the whole thing in perspective.


Oprah ‘A NEW CAR!’ Winfrey nearly killed Hugh Jackman this week while prancing around Fed Square in Melbourne. Apparently she made him jump over a moving car or something.

New study alert: Your office is shrinking! Right now, even as you read this, your office is slowly getting smaller and you smaller. According to an LA Times article, the average office has gone from 500-700 square feet per employee in the 1970s (massive) to 200 square feet per employee today (sad and pathetic). Also, openly drinking is now frowned upon. And you can’t sex people. Booooo!

Speaking of office fun, here’s a handy list of over-used buzzwords to send you into a murderous rage. Hint: if you use ‘glocalisation’ you deserve a piano dropped on your head.

Want to know how dumb/smart your favourite website is? Google have a convenient answer. If you select ‘Advanced Search’ you can now choose a ‘Reading Level’ modifier which breaks down website content into basic, intermediate and advanced content. Try it now and compare your most bestest sites. But not this one.

Winona Ryder is a complete Luddite (via increasing our Google Reading Level status). According to an interview with Elle, "I don't use the Internet, but apparently you can find out everything on it.” Can we still make shoplifting jokes about Winona? Remember when we all loved her?


Mark Zuckerberg has been named Time magazine’s Person of the Year. Fair enough, he totally nailed it in that movie he made. Meanwhile, Facebook’s dark magic enables it to spot and identity you in virtually any photo. Years of ‘tagging’ friends means The Social Network knows exactly what you look like. Probably best not to think about the implications of all that.

Fittingly, Hulk Hogan’s wedding ended in violence. A paparazzi snuck into the private ceremony and “shit was on” when the Hulk confronted him. This story is basically perfect and we don’t want to ruin it with pointless details.

Signs you’re rich: You have the severed head of Henri IV, the former King of France, in your private collection. Apparently the head has been passed around between collectors since 1793, but was only recently verified by DNA testing.

The Assassination of Yogi Bear by the Coward Booboo. This is a homemade effort. It’s quite stirring. Someone needs to hire whoever made this.


Tommy Lee has led an ‘interesting’ life and you’d imagine it would take a lot to gross him out. Well, congratulations Sea World, you’ve made Tommy (let’s hide the phone in the lady) Lee feel weird and uncomfortable with your SICK and TWISTED whale masturbation. Tommy seems to think the park masturbates their sperm whale (grow up), with “a cow's vagina filled with hot water." He’s written several letters complaining about this. Sea World are all, “dude, WTF? Not even.”

Ariel Pink’s Round and Round has been named MP3zy of the year by Pitchforkie. We’re okay with this. Rest of their Top Ten here.


The photos of Mad Men’s January Jones as ‘the face’ of Versace's spring 2011 accessories campaign are go. Click through to the image gallery.

Are you in a shit (but strangely popular) band? Do you have stupid hair? Are in you Short Stack? Here’s how not to write / plagiarise an album review.

Jon Bon Jovi has been appointed to the White House Council for Community Solutions. So many potential jokes, so little room, feel overwhelmed.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the most popular YouTube video of the year. 50 million views and counting, “hide your kids, hide, your wife, hide your kids, hide, your wife, and hide your husband…”


And finally, Fast and Furious 5 - Furious Five – brings back every single character from the serious. It looks awesomely stupid.

OK, fuck it.
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Comments on this Post
There are "12" comment(s) on "The week In trashbaggery sixty-five"

Respect Katie
This is some good trash, Mikolai.
Katie  -  3 years ago
Reply  |  Report
Advanced Member GoldPox
I can't believe Ariel Pink's Melb gig is on the same night as Warpaint. Serious conundrum. I also can't believe how insanely hot January Jones is.
GoldPox  -  3 years ago
Reply  |  Report
Respect Luke
Like.
Luke  -  3 years ago
Reply  |  Report
Senior Member Lebronski
I think Winona's weirdness has made me stop liking Reality Bites. Didn't think that was possible.
Lebronski  -  3 years ago
Reply  |  Report
Advanced Member motherbitch
BEARDZ.
motherbitch  -  3 years ago
Respect freeak
Is the Kardashian lead story thing a coincidence or a disturbing trend you hope you to continue in the new year Mikolai?
freeak  -  3 years ago
Reply  |  Report
Respect -Mikolai-


@Freeak, it was the photos, maaaaan. So kreepy. Seriously, who takes Christmas photos like they're Bold and Beautiful promos. Me, I don't care - I'm just hanging out for Fast and the Furious 5... sort of sequel to the greatest movie ever: Tokyo Drift.
-Mikolai-  -  3 years ago
Reply  |  Report
Senior Member Georgia
The thing I love the most about the Miley vid is the guy eating Frosted Flakes out of the box in the background.
Georgia  -  3 years ago
Reply  |  Report
Senior Member Em-T
I think you should find an excuse to embed Reality Bites scenes in every week's trash. You could maybe alternate occasionally with Romy & Michelle's.
Em-T  -  3 years ago
Reply  |  Report
Respect Katie
I agree with the former. Whole-heartedly.
Katie  -  3 years ago
Senior Member Em-T
Particularly the scene where they realise evian is naive backwards and then dance to My Sharona.
Em-T  -  3 years ago
Respect Katie
And at the GAP: "Roll them right up! It's liberating isn't it?"
Katie  -  3 years ago

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