100 trashbaggery columns? I deserve a reward. Or a cake. Or money! Can I haz? Meanwhile, there is nothing I don't know about Paris Hilton, The Kardashians
and Lindsay Lohan
. I'm not sure how that knowledge is supposed to be of any use, but there you go...
Moving on [and drinking heavily] Lindsay Lohan
has managed to complete 45 hours of her 500 hours community service. You go
has married his model girlfriend, Josephine De La Baume. Lily Allen
and Kate Moss
were among the guests who trekked down to the South of France for ‘the thing’. We can't think of any Mark Ronson jokes this evening so you're just going to have to make up your own.
is heading to the US for chopper training. Er, helicopter training. Aside from broads, booze and grainy video footage showing him doing something unfortunate, he'll be taking part in official military exercises. All we can think about is that scene from Buffalo Soldiers
with Joaquin Phoenix
. Wait! Here’s the video.
agreed to waiver his usual $40 thousand DJ fee and ‘do’ Kim Kardashian’s
wedding reception for free. He said it was his “wedding gift.” An even better present would have been not DJing at all, yes?
Speaking of KK
, a 'mysterious buyer' wants to purchase the rights to her sex tape and forever take it off the market. Fair enough, but Ray-J
(the other 'participant' in that tape) wants his “rights protected” in any kind financial transaction, i.e. he wants money.
And hey, since this is quickly turning into some sort of Kardashian
special, it would be remiss of us not to mention the David Letterman
/ Kardashian four-way that took place this week. Yeah, just think about that for a second… Anyway, Dave had Kim, Kourtney and Khloe on the show. They talked about stuff.
Green Day's Billie Joe Armstrong
was kicked off a US domestic flight for "wearing his pants too low." Not even sure what to say about that. Anyone here remember Dookie
? No? OK, what about American Idiot
was released from prison this week. And then taken right back inside 'the beast' after prison guards took exception to the pimped out tour bus that picked him up. Um, jealous much?
Good news people, scientists have now 'officially confirmed' that the female orgasm actually exists
. Women everywhere, "duh."
Speaking of scientifical science, new research in the US shows that people who smoke pot
are skinnier than non-smokers
. This is weird because we 'heard’ that smoking the drugs makes you create elaborate pizzas at 2am and gorge yourself. Anyway, back to this research, it also claims that the more often you smoke weed, the skinnier you’re likely to be. Anyone else thinking ‘intensive weight loss program’?
So apparently Eddie Murphy
is going to host the Oscars. Makes sense – it’s not like he’s got a bunch of other stuff going on. Meanwhile, remember when everyone owned a copy of Delirious /Raw? That was a thing, right?
Have you ever been on a bad date
? Did it involve your date asking you to stop at a bookies, leaving you in the car for several minutes then running out with a bag and money and yelling “Drive! Drive! Drive!” No? Then you’re doing better than this lady
founder Christopher ‘Moot’ Poole has launched his new, safe for work, image board, Canvas
. How are the 4Chan massive responding to this? Um, not well. The new site’s three main rules, ‘keep it safe for work’, ‘Don't be mean’, and ‘Stay on topic’ go against everything 4Chan has come represent. A whole lot of pizzas he didn’t order are currently en route to Moot's house.
in Vogue: "I puke quite a lot before going on stage.” We wait until she starts performing… (via old and obvious jokes).
Things are not going well for Blair (aka Leighton Meester
) IRL. Her mother is trying to sue her for MOAR money. She wants $10 thousand a month for, you know, giving birth to her and stuff. Blair and her lawyers are all “not even,” and the whole thing is getting sad and horrible. Where is Chuck in all this?
are getting their own reality TV show. Really. For serious. Not evening kidding. And only 20 years (?) after they told us to hold on for one more day. Awwww, you guys.
turned 30 on the weekend. Happy B Day! (sorry).
If you’re going to break into a celebrity’s house in order to eat their pastries and relax in their bathtub it may as well be Celine Dion's
. Amirite? Some dude called Daniel Bedard agrees because he’s just been arrested for that exact same crime.
Spice Girl Mel B
has made another baby. Matt Damon
has become a big fat dynamo. Two news items for the price of one!
on fidelity. “I am a great romantic – but I also think you can be a romantic and a realist. Life is complicated and long and I know people that I respect and admire and look up to who have had extra-marital affairs. It’s like we’re flawed – we’re human beings and sometimes you make choices that other people are going to judge. I think we’re all trying our best but life is complicated.” Um, so how’s that marriage going Gwen?
Word is there’s a Beetlejuice
sequel in production. It will almost certainly suck. But that will only reminds us how awesome the original is. Might be time to “Jump in the line, rock your body in time... Okay, I believe you!”
finally gotten sick of Lady Gaga
ripping of EVERYTHING she’s ever done? Quite possibly - this is what she told a French magazine this week. "As for Lady Gaga, I have no comment to make about her obsessions having to do with me because I don't know whether her behavior is rooted in something deep and meaningful, or superficial."
and Taylor Swift
got together over coffee to talk about “how vain and self-absorbed Jake (Gyllenhaal, a mutual ex) can be. They laughed about it." So say an anonymous person on the street who claimed to see / hear all this. Must be true.
And that’s that. 100 gossip columns deep
. We're like the bible of this shit. Or at least a reasonably long airport novel. Let’s wrap this up with the two best things ever. Puppies and Kittens!