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The week in trashbaggery ninety-five

05 AUG 2011 | Posted By: -Mikolai-

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The week in trashbaggery ninety-five

Ashton Kutcher
 
Avril Lavigne
 
Beavis and butthead
 
Dr Phil
 
Facebook Zuckerberg
 
Heidi and Spencer
 
Jennifer lopez
 
Kate Upton
 
Kate Upton
 
Kate Upton
Well, this is awkward. Pretty much nothing happened in celebrity news and/or gossip this week. Since that’s never stopped the weekly gossip rags, we’re just going to have to roll with it this week and go off on ‘amusing segues’ to pad things out. Welcome to Trashbaggery hell

Speaking of hell, details have leaked about Ashton Kutcher’s character in Two and a Half Men. Apparently he’s going to be playing an "internet billionaire with a broken heart" named Walden Schmidt. Not making this up.

And while we’re talking inexplicable careers – Avril Lavigne is still touring and people are still paying money to see her. One ‘super fan’ even rushed the stage at some show this week and caused her to shriek like a sk8er girl. The fan was beaten to death by security. Probably.

Too snarky? Maybe science will calm our jangled nerves. Did you know we used to have two moons. And then one murdered the other. The abridged version is a smaller, sexier moon, used to exist until our current moon 'bodied' it in a jealous rage. [insert CSI sound effect of prison door closing]

Moving along, we’re pretty sure this is the worst song ever.


And here’s some vintage stoner chillwaves from Fleetwood Mac to help you recover.


GQ have released a list of the 15 worst dressed men in tech – which is a bit more fun than just saying “all of them”. You probably won't be surprised to learn Zuckerberg bro comes in at numero uno.

Chinese hackers are hacking everything! All the time. They're probably hacking you as you read this. For real though, according to a new report by McAfee (who make viruses anti-virus software) China has launched 72 coordinated hacking attacks in the last five years. They may even have your MySpace log-in. Oh. My. God!

The Situation is being sued by the makers of his crappy tee-shirt line for not actually wearing his crappy tee-shirts.

Meanwhile, how was your week? If it didn't involve a bomb being strapped to your neck then you're doing better than 18-year-old Sydney girl Madeleine Pulver. That shit was intense.

Justin Timberlake is in another movie. A sci-fi thing about being 25 forever (if you're rich). We assume this pays a lot better than having your music pirated on the internet.


And on that note, here’s footage of Mila Kunis speaking Russian at a press junket while a hapless Justin Timberlake looks bewildered and confused.

Samantha Ronson has been arrested for drinking under the influence. (Oops, we mean driving under the influence, hahaha – we're so wasted right now…) For real though, she got a DUI at 10am in the morning. And as much as we'd like to make a 'SamRo starts belting scotch early' joke, she was actually returning from a DJ gig somewhere. Which is way less LULZ.

The British Royal Family was spotted flying a budget airline back to civilisation after attending the wedding of royal cousin (?) Zara Phillips in Scotland. We look forward to seeing them on one of those cheap British reality TV shows set in an airport. A ‘tired and emotional’ Prince Harry arguing about excess baggage and threatening staff with violence will no doubt be the highlight.

Jennifer Lopez has celebrated her separation by appearing in Vanity Fair wearing nothing but heels and a fur coat. Maybe still ‘have a thing’ for her.

This week’s ‘feel good’ nature story is about a fish named Gary that only eats Kit Kats. And is a lardass.

MTV turned 30 this week. Since it never screened in Australia as a 24-hour music channel that probably doesn’t mean much to people, but it’s an excuse to embed a video and kill some time. So that’s what we’re going to do.


And since we’re talking about MTV back in the day, the network is bringing back Beavis and Butthead, here’s a preview of the new 2011 season… which gets a lot better about a minute in.


According to a probably made up story, Jay-Z and Kanye have had a falling out – only weeks before their joint album drops. The problem is apparently Kanye wants to spend $400 thousand per show on elaborate sets / champagne / lights / stuff while Jigga only wants to drop $100 thousand. We’re going to assume this is all LIES, but it’s a slow week in gossip so we can’t afford to be picky.

Other things that are probably made up – newspapers are saying Amy Winehouse was trying to adopt some 10-year-old girl from the island of St Lucia. Amy met the kid and decided she ‘had to have her’. The adoption didn’t happen – and that’s probably best for all concerned.

Kim Kardashian has taken to Twitter to politely ask her fans to plz stop showing up at her house and stalking her. People are creepy.

Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag have apologised for being complete and utter assholes for the last several years. The Hills most annoying couple are claiming they’re skint and some other stuff we really don’t care about. The basic gist is 'being on reality TV for w minute isn’t a career'. Um, we could have told you that.

Scarlett Johansson has said enough is enough and has turned down a YouTube invite to accompany a US marine to a ball. Good for her – celebrities are people too and shouldn’t be forced to attend shitty balls any more than the rest of us.

Kate Upton appears in the new issue of Complex. They were nice enough to put together this promo video teaser. (And we’ll take any opportunity to do a Kate Upton image search.)


This just in! New York City is being overrun by cats! So many cats. Cats here, cats there, cats everywhere. Is Maru worried?

We don’t normally talk politics around here but the stupid American deficit ceiling thing has killed all our gossip stories this week so we should probably address it. Long story short: the US is screwed and you should really sign up for Mandarin lessons and move to Shanghai if you plan on having any sort of job / career. (Also, happy birthday President Obama!)

Before you accept any advice from Dr Phil, be aware that he just settled a $7 million dollar lawsuit with a former interior decorator. So yeah, something to think about.

In case you were wondering, working in the Pitchfork office really is a nightmarish, shit music, bro factory.

Triple J have announced the first two nominations for this year’s J Awards to mass indifference and stifled yawns. Architecture in Helsinki and Drapht? We’ll hang out and wait for the other eight nominations, thx.

And finally, have we all seen super weirdo creepy cat yet?
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