Terminal dickhole Chris Brown
won't stop until he has punched every likeable celebrity within arm's reach. This time it was Frank Ocean
and it was apparently it was at a recording studio and it was over a car space. We can't even make a joke about how much of a cunt Chris Brown
is, so let's all look at Ocean
's lovely, un-punchable face and listen to his sublime tones.
Oh! And did you know Brown
is also an artist? He painted 'ALL HIS FEELS' the other day. It's the crucifixion of Jesus and the two thieves and apart from it being malarky it's just... it's really bad. He is a turrrible painter. That's not even biased, he's just shit.
In her Rolling Stone
confirmed what we already knew: she's officially back with the aforementioned jerk. :(
said this about her and Brown
: "I decided it was more important for me to be happy... Even if it’s a mistake, it’s my mistake." [IT IS A MISTAKE RIRI] "It’s different now." [OH RIRI] "We don’t have those types of arguments anymore. We talk about shit." [OH RIRI] "He doesn’t have the luxury of fucking up again." [HE NEVER SHOULD HAVE HAD THE OPTION BB] "I can’t say that nothing else will ever go wrong. But I’m pretty solid in the knowing that he’s disgusted by that." [IS THAT WHY HE PUNCHED FRANKIE?]
did that thing where she doesn't turn up to court because she is RILLY UNWELL but then she disappeared and flew to LA and then somehow still isn't going to jail. She owes Tina Fey
for that trick.
Oh for fuck's sake, somebody gave Kris Jenner
(aka the mother Kardashian) her own talk show. Her first guests will be: Kim Kardashian, Khloe Kardashian, Kourtney Kardashian, Lamar Odom, a celebrity trainer/hairstylist, and then she'll spend the rest of her time trying to convince Kanye
to appear. Then it'll get cancelled.
The Chosen One is growing! Kim Kardashian
is definitely carrying some Kanye
baby (see the gallery) and we can't wait. Then one day Blue Ivy™, The Chosen One, Kelis and Nas's son, Kingston Stefani and Shiloh Jolie-Pitt will have a play-date and the world will implode to the soundtrack of thundering applause from the heavens.
touched a Belieber's titty (photo in the gallery) and there's a photo of it and that girl is probably going to remove and frame her own bewb now. (Now all media outlets are making "Justin Boober" jokes.)
...Oh, and then he wandered around on his hotel balcony WITHOUT A TOP ON AND NOW WE ARE ALL PREGNANT WITH A BILLION OF JUSTIN BIEBER
'S BABIES LET'S NAME THEM ALL JUSTIN REGARDLESS OF GENDER.
Speaking of babies, everybody is knocked up. Everybody. Alec Baldwin
impregnated his wifey. Mazel tov! (But also, fuck you Baldwin. Remember when we were meant to be married?)
Baldwin's co-star Tracy Morgan
is also having a baby with his finacee. Mazel tov!
(aka the guy from Scrubs and imitable Murray from Clueless
) and his wifey Cacee Cobb are having a baby too. ALL THE MAZEL TOVS!
Le ruh roh. Remember Jason London
? (He was a '90s teen dream for about 15 minutes.) He apparently got into a bar fight and then pooped himself. According to TMZ he yelled at the cops who drove him away: "Guess what faggot? I fucking love this. I fucking own you guys so hard. I'm rich and I'm a motherfucking famous actor! Fucking look me up, bitch. It smells like shit in your car and your breath smells like diarrhea." Then he pooped in his pants 'on purpose'.
tweeted to say the story was all made up. Obviously he means the part about him being a famous actor too. *sick burn* (Photos in the gallery.)
In other news about people you had entirely forgotten about: Bam Magera
reckons he's a musician now, or something. He's rap-singing about buttfucking himself because romance.
Oh good, they're filming Wolf Creek 2
so we can all have nightmares about John Jarratt
cackling as he rips our spines in half. Remember when he was just the friendly dude who showed you how to lacquer your deck?
Can we all take a moment to think about what a magnificent diamond Gary Oldman
is? HAVE MERCY.
Did you know Courtney Stodden
is a feminist? We like what she tweeted today: "As a feminist I believe girls can express themselves however they want; whether that's in 8 inches or flats. Let's empower each other ladies!" Countdown to eleventy thousand other feminists coming down on her to say she's not
a feminist and then we can all fight on Twitter about the "correct" way to be a feminist and have a semantics party! EQUALITY! OVARIES! BURNT BRAS! BO$$ BI$HE$! DIAMONDS ON MY NECK! D-DIAMONDS ON MAH GRILL!
doesn't like Michelle Obama
's bangs: "Frankly, the fringe was a bad idea. It’s not good." Srsly, the list of things Uncle Karl does like must be so short: his kitten, Zahia Dehar, skinny models, large sunglasses.
Big deal pornstar Ron Jeremy
is in the ICU with some kind of heart problem, but word is he will be OK. Get well soon, BB!
Apparently Bradley Cooper
has a sexXxy foot fetish.
Now that we're talking about sex, we might as well keep going. Mega-babe Jason Momoa
(aka the guy from GOT and Lisa Bonet's baby daddy) says he keeps in shape by doing sex all the time: "I fuck a lot."