married Ned Rocknroll
(Richard Brason's nephew) secretly. UM IMAGINE IF YOUR NAME COULD BE MRS ROCKNROLL? (Can we hyphenate it and make her Mrs Rocknroll-Motherfuckers?) Mazel tov!
Do you remember Kevin Federline
? He is the fat white dude who thought he was black and married/impregnated Britney Spears
. His brother Christopher reckons Britney is still a lunatic and has accused her of stealing his credit card and saying Christopher has a tiny doodle. He also says he fathered one of Britney's sons with said tiny doodle. UPDATE: Apparently this is all untrue. Whatever. LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE.
is taking Ashton Kutcher
to the cleaners. Word is she is getting greedy and vengeful in their divorce – asking for all kinds of cash-money even though she is cuckoo-rich already.
Meanwhile, Mila Kunis
continues fucking Kutcher and wearing sweatpants. #savemila
The eternal gentleman who tweets about his ex-girlfriend Rita Ora
's sex life and *personal and professional moral code*, Rob Kardashian
apparently uses botox. Nobody's surprised. But next we will hear about his desperate surgery/pills/exercises to enlarge his dick and then Ora
will be like "LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL BUTTFACE" all the way to the bank.
Meanwhile, Khloe Kardashian
is still married to Clipper Lamar Odom
and we like them and we don't care what you say.
Also meanwhile, Kim
seem to still be together but he will never love her the way he loves leather pants but that's OK because he REALLY
loves leather pants.
Hey guys, Katy Perry
and John Mayer
are still doing sex on each other. Perry tweeted a photo of Mayer looking like a sleazy soft-focus glamour-shot Santa Claus and everybody thanked god that they're not dating John Mayer.
Somebody save RiRi
. Last time we checked in Chris Brown
was apparently banging his ex-GF again but it would seem that on Christmas Day the dynamic duo were at the Knicks vs Lakers game at the Staples Center in LA (see the gallery) and they were all over each other and laughing and LOLOLOLOLOLOL WHAT ABOUT THAT TIME YOU BEAT ME UP SO BADLY I DEFINITELY WENT TO HOSPITAL I LOVE YOU SO MUCH BABY THIS IS NOT THE CRAZY OR THE BEER TALKING WE REALLY HAVE SOMETHING SPECIAL DON'T WE AND AND I LIKE HOW YOU LOOK LIKE A METH ADDICT THESE DAYS GO KNICKS! OH DO WE GO FOR THE LAKERS? I'M SORRY BABY WHATEVER YOU SAY I LOVE YOU NEVER LEAVE ME AGAIN :(
is dating Carmen Electra
is still hanging out with fiance Justin Theroux
all the time. So you can all stop saying she's a sad lonely spinster because she is definitely spending her days smoking pot and playing UNO naked and doing it with her mega-babe boo.
Do you ever wonder how rich Nicki Minaj
is now? Or how many bodysuits she owns? These are thoughts that plague us at 4am.
So Trey Songz
was photographed pecking some dude on the lips and now there is mayhem because homophobia.
So James Franco
thinks he knows what Lindsay Lohan
's problem is: "I haven’t talked to her in a long time because it seemed like she was getting into some more trouble. I’ve tried to help her. I think one of the reasons it’s so hard is when she gets in trouble, she gets all this attention and I’m sure she gets book offers. Like she goes to jail, and instead of feeling like I really hit a low place, she’ll get a crazy offer for her jail memoir."
Hey guys, remember 'Gangnam Style
'? Number of views as of writing this column: 1,064,534,266
What about how Tom Cruise
is auditioning for new "wives" and is apparently getting all "sexy" on "dancefloors" with a "cocktail waitress" who is definitely "single and interested"?
Guys, Kat Stacks
is still around! In jail though. She was denied release over Christmas but has not been deported. None of this really makes sense to us but we're happy that she's still going on Twitter rants and is still alive.
reckons he's never truly been loved before. He also reckons there are 246 toothpicks on the floor.
Apparently Alicia Keys
said she feels that she was born to play Lena Horne
, and will do.
Also, do you ever wonder what Robbie Williams
is up to? We do. Seriously. #neverforget
...And here's a quick round-up up of 2012 IN TRASHBAGGERY
Who's off the market:
Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel, Anne Hathaway and that guy, Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds, Matthew McConaughey and his baby mama, Drew Barrymore and Will Kopelman (mazel!), Evan Rachel Wood and Jamie Bell (aka Billy Elliot). SORRY MARILYN. Carey Mulligan and Marcus Mumford, Cynthia Nixon (aka Miranda from SATC) and Christine Marinoni, Agyness Deyn and Giovanni Ribisi, Alec Baldwin and Hilaria Thomas, Natalie Portman and Benjamin Millepied, Holly Valance and Nick Candy (see gallery). Plus a bunch of others that we
don't care about
maybe Miley Cyrus
and Liam Hemsworth
got married in secret too?
Most worried about:
Seriously, can we all stop picking on Lindsay
and start looking after her? WE'RE NOT EVEN JOKING NOW GUYS. Also, Rihanna
Most overrated: Channing Tatum
Most underrated: Gary Oldman
Fall from grace:
Hey Mila Kunis
, what does Ashton's dick look like? :/
Even further fall from grace:
Hey Chris Brown, you're a cunt.
We applaud Katie Holmes
for divorcing old mate / Scientology.
All those photos of Jon Hamm
Best coming out: Frank Ocean
. That shit was epic and awesome.
Worst staying in:
C'mon John Travolta
. PROMISE WE DON'T MIND IF YOU ARE, just stop harassing the massage therapists.
Best gay couple: Portia and Ellen
are still our favourites.
Best straight couple:
and/or Kim Kardashian and Kanye West
, the demented legends.
Saddest break-up: Amy Poehler
and Will Arnett
and no we still don't want to talk about it.
Best illuminati baby:
Highest praise be to Blue Ivy
. We love and fear you.
Best teen sensation:
Sorry, Biebs there's a new sheriff in town; his name is Harry Styles
and he is D-R-E-A-M-Y.
Celebrity who wins 2012:
A tie between Courtney Stodden
and Honey Boo Boo
because obvious reasons.
(Also, shout outs to Amanda Seyfried
who we just really like. And to Beyonce
because she runs the world and that is not just an expression, it's the motherfucking truth.)
TRASHY NEW YEAR, MATES!
Be nice to each other. x