Remember how last week Lindsay Lohan
and Mama Lohan
had the fight in the cab and Papa Lohan
leaked the conversation he had with LiLo about her mum being crazy and on coke and a meanie? Yeah, Lindsay has now said that she made up all the things she said about her mother. Then she said that her dad is a jerkface douchebag for recording their conversation and selling it (TRUUUUU) and she is sad about him being such a shitty father. Oh Lindsay, we just want to hug you.
Speaking of Lindsay
, what is happening with Samantha Ronson
Beating Sarah Michelle Gellar
and Freddie Prinze Jnr
in the "let's keep this shit on lock" game is (surprisingly) Megan Fox
and David Silver.
These two tricksters had their baby back in September and us schmucks are only finding out now! "We have been very lucky to have had a peaceful few weeks at home, but I would like to release this myself before others do. I gave birth to our son Noah Shannon Green on September 27th. He is healthy, happy, and perfect." BRA-VO YOU GUYS, and mazel tov!
Speaking of beating (no, we take it back – this is the grossest segue ever) Flavor Flav
has been arrested for hitting his fiance and then pulling a knife on her son. Chuck D
would hate this.
Oh cool, Katy Perry
is still doing sex on John Mayer
are still in Malibu and still in love so everything is going to be OK, you guys.
In more good news (that you have certainly heard more times than you needed to this week): the two best women pretty much ever, Tina Fey
and Amy Poehler
, are going to host the Golden Globes
together. How much do you want to hang out with them? How much do you cry when you wake up from that recurring dream you have where you are all best mates and you cook pig on a spit and make up dances to TLC songs and speak in a secret BFF language you created together and have matching Letterman jackets with your nicknames stitched on them? Us neither. Whatever.
IS 40 (FORTY) YEARS OLD. Happy birthday, Slim! (Rest in peace, Nate Dogg. Miss you.)
needs to be taken on a date, says Rihanna
. "I would love to go on a date. You don't think that? I'm a woman. A young woman, vibrant, and I love to have fun. And I have too many vaginas around me at this point." C'mon RiRi, you're not fooling anybody.
and Danielle Spencer
are getting divorced. You forgot they existed, didn't you?
People are saying that Tom Cruise
is starting to feel disenchanted by the Church of Scientology for ruining his marriages/public perception/life. LOL AS IF HE WOULD EVER LEAVE THE ALIENS AND THETAN STRAIGHTENERS.
Dear everybody who ever said "Poor Jen". Miss Aniston
is getting married to Justin Theroux
(lady sha-wing) and she is happy about it and she is still a babe and she is a bit funny and FUCK YOU. (We also believe that she is a secret wildcat and a total stoner who makes hash brownies for all her buddies on holidays.)
is going to perform at the Superbowl Half-Time Show, remains the most amazing woman on planet earth.
Guys, you know how Danny DeVito
and Rhea Pearlman
are getting divorced? Apparently it's because he bangs aspiring actresses and tells them all he will make them famous – just like some '70s cliche. Gross, dude.
Also in dickhead news: Angelina
(the cast member from Jersey Shore
who was actually too shit for the show) had some stuff to say about gay marriage. “I don’t think gays should be married... When you read the bible… I am Catholic… God does not intend people to be gay, I’m sorry, just like he doesn’t want divorce. Divorce is way bigger than being gay marriage." There was more, but it's too dumb to even process.
Oh this is nice: Mystikal
(who was jailed for six years for sexual battery) has decided to do porn. His pornstar crush (stage name Pinky) has agreed to do sex on him while being filmed. We're sure this will be just great.
lost his house in Georgia to foreclosure. Mr Jones
allegedly couldn't afford (ie: didn't want to) pay some tax debts. Nas, if you really can't afford your houses and moving back in with Kelis is out of the question (say is ain't so!) you can come live with us. You have to be happy to watch Full House though.
Honey Boo Boo
is still a thing. Is probably getting paid more than you. Is six years old. .
Who knew that we liked Ben Affleck
? We thought he was just a douchebag jock-type who cheated on his wifey with Blake Lively
, but then he gets on Bill Maher and talks all smart about politics, shit stirs Ann Coulter (that Republican anti-Christ) and is dropping $100 tips for valets. Mr Affleck, we like you now. You're welcome. x
has graduated high school at 25 years old: "97% on my final exam. 88% in the course. One of the greatest feelings in my entire life. As of tonight I have graduated high school!" Mazel tov, Drizzy!