Oh cool, the Lohans
are still really well adjusted. Apparently Lindsay
and Mumma Lohan
got into a fight in a cab circa 4am the other night after partying together at a New York nightclub. Lindsay ended up with scratches and a broken bracelet. If I had a dollar for every time I got into a punch-on with my mum in a cab after nightclubbing 'til 4am I WOULD HAVE ZERO DOLLARS LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE IN THE WORLD.
...You can even listen to LiLo's hysterical call to her father
during the argument. She talks to her mother and her father during the call and attempts to explain what's happening. Papa Lohan
(aka World's Best Dad) totally diffuses the fight by saying that the driver and/or Dina are kidnapping Lindsay. C'mon mate. Poor Lindsay :(
has released a video in which he says he loves two women at the same time. He also says "I just care too much." OH LOL CB
cares so much that he has given his ex-GF Karrueche Tran
a buttload of money. He wants to help her financially since he dumped her for his other ex-GF Rihanna
. Obviously he is gifting her the money so she doesn't say anything about anything to anybody. DUH.
's father (who has been estranged from the singer on and off and called her fat in an interview) approves the reunion. "I love Chris
, man. He's got so much charisma. And he's always had so much respect for me. That's what I love about him. He's always shown me respect." No word on how he treated her though, Pops?
...Meanwhile, since all their escapades last week, Rihanna
haven't been seen together this week. But we are sure they are all boo-ed up and doing sex and making us all feel gross about life.
Wonder how Drake
feels about all this? Team Drizzy.
First it was Amy Poehler
and Will Arnett
and this week it's comedic couple Danny DeVito
and Rhea Perlman
who are divorcing, after 30 years of marriage. We really don't want to talk about it.
In happier couple news: mega babe Penelope Cruz
and mega-mega babe Javier Bardem
are still happily married. Don't they stay under the radar? Except when he says shit like this in GQ: "I'm happily married... I truly thank whoever’s up there for giving me the opportunity to be loved." Well, fuck. *applause*
(aka Kim Kardashian
's ex-boyfriend) has knocked up a lady who looks a lot like Kimmy. Everybody is saying Kim
is super sad about it because she wanted to have all the Reggie babies and always thought they would end up together. To that we say:
are apparently shopping for a place to share in Miami. They were looking at waterfront houses that cost between $7 and $10 million. Because they kan. We would like to take this moment to announce that we still fully support their union and hope they are happy together forever and ever and ever and then a little longer.
is still a thing. Still.
Um, guys. Clueless
is 17 years old. There was a reunion and everybody looks like they're ageing super-well and we think you should all go watch it again. (Rest in peace, Brittany Murphy.)
You might have heard Jay-Z
played some shows at the new Barclays Center in Brooklyn last week. He also caught the R train there with this entourage and bodyguards, to the delight of his fellow subway riders. Except that lady he sat next to, she is clearly all out of fucks
and David Cross
got married. Guests included the legendary Amy Poehler, Ryan Reynolds, Blake Lively, America Ferrera and Alexis Bledel. Cross (aka Tobias Funke) is about 20 years older than his new 29-year-old wifey but they look very happy together so we are happy for them and everybody is feeling happy.
17-year-old Courtney Stodden
and her 53-year-old husband – whose name we forget and is kind of insignificant – are still being controversial. She recently said “I call him ‘Dad’ sometimes” [laugh / toss of hair / mouth spasm] and Doug (it's Doug!) replied “See, this is the thing; I’m raising my wife!" Then everybody died from throwing up all their insides.
People in Britain are picking on Lily Allen
(aka Lily Cooper) for Tweeting some stuff pro-choice stuff. She said (amongst other things) "Can small minded idiot blokes stop telling women whether or not they're entitled to abortions please?" Truuuuuuuuuuu.
Reason #26521 we think Sarah Michelle Gellar
is awesome: she and her husband Freddie Prinze Jnr
had another baby back in September and the name is still unknown. Tabloids: –623 Buffy: +973252
married her billionaire boyfriend Nick Candy
this weekend in LA. Elton John performed. She wore an Australian designer's dress. We're really only including this Valance information so we can also include this video.