Rest in peace, Phyllis Diller
. Rest in peace, Tony Scott.
Last week we were all super jazzed that Jennifer Aniston
got engaged to the super-dreamy Justin Theroux
(SUCK IT BRAD) and this week there is more marriage news.
is marrying fellow Canadian Chad Kruger
of Nickelback. There are so so so so (so so so so so) so so many jokes we could put in here. Mostly we just cannot believe Avril's taste in blokes: first that dude from Sum 41 who looks like a Hobbit, then Brodie Jenner
(BRODIE 'NOW WE ALL HAVE HERPES' JENNER) and now Kruger. Bitch needs to find that sk8r boi she's been banging on about, pronto.
In somewhat related news: there's a new Limp Bizkit
album on its way. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLVOM
How 'bout that Rihanna
interview with Oprah
? We like the part when she didn't talk for ten years about how much she loves Chris Brown
and said she's definitely engaged to Drake
. OH WAIT :/
...Here are a couple of quotes from RiRi
: "It's awkward, because I still love him. My stomach drops and I have to maintain this poker face and not let it get to the outer part of me. I have to maintain that and suppress it, but interpret it and understand it and understand that it's not going to go away."
..."I truly love him. The main thing for me is that he is at peace. You know, I'm not at peace if he's a little unhappy or if he's still lonely." OH RIRI
CAN'T YOU JUST STOP? Wish you could, boo.
Meanwhile, can Rihanna
to a cover of Chris Brown
and Jordin Sparks
'No Air'? That would be so LOL/cunty/awesome.
Word is that Amber Heard
is done with Johnny Depp
. Apparently he was all "I left my wife for you, boo!" and she was all "Dude, this was always just a casual banging situation. Take off one of those scarves 'cause you need to chill."
has been photographed naked with some girl in Vegas. For real, Harry seems like the dude you want to cause a ruckus with, but he would end up still on your couch at 10am the next morning chain-smoking, surrounded by used glasses, and complaining that you don't have cable. BUT THE PARTY BEFORE! Don't even get us started.
We're still mad about Mila Kunis
and Ashton Kutcher
so we're not even bringing it up this week.
All these LL Cool J
stories are getting too much. First he secretly pays for some middle-aged ladies' dinner and now he's beaten the shit out of a dude who broke into his house in the middle of the night. MAMA SAID KNOCK U OUT SUCKA.
Guys, did you all see how 2Chainz
wore three chainz the other day?
Guys, we can't decide whether Joseph Gordon-Levitt
is a bloody legend or a bit of a wanker. Help?
Guys, have you all seen Tom Hardy
Guys, how hot is Jessica Biel
Guys, how old is Zac Efron
? Are we allowed to find him dreamy?
Guys, want to know our hot pick for the next celebrity couple to get engaged? Jason Segel
and Michelle Williams
. Don't you think?
is not just a mother of a billion, a stripper and a pornstar. She is also an artiste. Behold! 'Sexy Party':
and John Mayer
are still doing sex. Hopefully soon we can say the same for Russell Brand
and Noel Fielding
and Mary-Kate Olsen
are going to live together in a $6+ million place in New York. We're happy if they're happy, but we think they'd be happier in a certain house in San Francisco with Uncle Jess and Uncle Joey and Kimmy Kibbler up the street.
They are making a Finding Nemo II
and Ellen Degeneres
is maybe/probably going to be in it again. Just keep fucking swimming, hey!
We don't think there's any Kardashian
news this week. We thought we'd have some news or some LOLs for you. We failed at this. :'(