Rest in peace,
Phyllis Diller. Rest in peace,
Tony Scott. :(
Last week we were all super jazzed that
Jennifer Aniston got engaged to the super-dreamy
Justin Theroux (SUCK IT BRAD) and this week there is more marriage news.
...
Avril Lavigne is marrying fellow Canadian
Chad Kruger of Nickelback. There are so so so so (so so so so so) so so many jokes we could put in here. Mostly we just cannot believe Avril's taste in blokes: first that dude from Sum 41 who looks like a Hobbit, then
Brodie Jenner (BRODIE 'NOW WE ALL HAVE HERPES' JENNER) and now Kruger. Bitch needs to find that sk8r boi she's been banging on about, pronto.
In somewhat related news: there's a new
Limp Bizkit album on its way. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLVOM
How 'bout that
Rihanna interview with
Oprah? We like the part when she didn't talk for ten years about how much she loves
Chris Brown and said she's definitely engaged to
Drake. OH WAIT :/
...Here are a couple of quotes from
RiRi: "It's awkward, because I still love him. My stomach drops and I have to maintain this poker face and not let it get to the outer part of me. I have to maintain that and suppress it, but interpret it and understand it and understand that it's not going to go away."
..."I truly love him. The main thing for me is that he is at peace. You know, I'm not at peace if he's a little unhappy or if he's still lonely." OH
RIRI CAN'T YOU JUST STOP? Wish you could, boo.
Meanwhile, can
Rihanna and
Drake to a cover of
Chris Brown and
Jordin Sparks 'No Air'? That would be so LOL/cunty/awesome.
Word is that
Amber Heard is done with
Johnny Depp. Apparently he was all "I left my wife for you, boo!" and she was all "Dude, this was always just a casual banging situation. Take off one of those scarves 'cause you need to chill."
Prince Harry has been photographed naked with some girl in Vegas. For real, Harry seems like the dude you want to cause a ruckus with, but he would end up still on your couch at 10am the next morning chain-smoking, surrounded by used glasses, and complaining that you don't have cable. BUT THE PARTY BEFORE! Don't even get us started.
We're still mad about
Mila Kunis and
Ashton Kutcher so we're not even bringing it up this week.
All these
LL Cool J stories are getting too much. First he secretly pays for some middle-aged ladies' dinner and now he's beaten the shit out of a dude who broke into his house in the middle of the night. MAMA SAID KNOCK U OUT SUCKA.
Guys, did you all see how
2Chainz wore three chainz the other day?
Guys, we can't decide whether
Joseph Gordon-Levitt is a bloody legend or a bit of a wanker. Help?
Guys, have you all seen
Tom Hardy's dick?
Guys, how hot is
Jessica Biel?
Guys, how old is
Zac Efron? Are we allowed to find him dreamy?
Guys, want to know our hot pick for the next celebrity couple to get engaged?
Jason Segel and
Michelle Williams. Don't you think?
Octomom is not just a mother of a billion, a stripper and a pornstar. She is also an artiste. Behold! 'Sexy Party':
Katy Perry and
John Mayer are still doing sex. Hopefully soon we can say the same for
Russell Brand and
Noel Fielding.
Olivier Sarkozy and
Mary-Kate Olsen are going to live together in a $6+ million place in New York. We're happy if they're happy, but we think they'd be happier in a certain house in San Francisco with Uncle Jess and Uncle Joey and Kimmy Kibbler up the street.
They are making a
Finding Nemo II and
Ellen Degeneres is maybe/probably going to be in it again. Just keep fucking swimming, hey!
We don't think there's any
Kardashian news this week. We thought we'd have some news or some LOLs for you. We failed at this. :'(
