STOP PRESS: Jennifer Aniston
and Justin Theroux
are engaged to be married. All we can say is TOLD YOU SO! And also, how much can you not wait to see her subtle, not-exactly-wedding-dress-dress and all the barefoot pot-smoking there is at Malibu/Maui at the reception? (That's how we're picturing it, so shuddup.)
is looking goooood. This break-up is making him more attractive. Psychologists out there, is that a thing? Either way, here he is eating ice-cream with another total dreamboat, Jon Stewart
. (We aren't going to make an ice-cream sandwich joke because that would be crass.)
Do you think the Twi-hards feel like I did when JT
broke up? If so: don't worry BBs, TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS. (It doesn't.)
OMG ALSO: errrybody says that Robert
were engaged when she cheated on him. *WAILS*
That said, we think it blows that Kristen Stewart
seems to have been dropped from the Snow White and the Huntsman
sequel, but the equally cheaty-face director, Rupert Sanders, hasn't. Sure you don't want to hear our take on this being all about gender and double standards, so we will just embed this video instead.
Somebody has beaten Kimmy Kardashian
and Kris 'We Already Forgot About You and Your Crappy Basketball Team' Humphries
marriage record. Chad "Ochocinco" Johnson
(Miami Dolphins) and his wife Evelyn Lozado
saw Kardashian's 72 days and upped dem stakes to just six weeks. The reason, though, is not funny at all. Johnson head-butted his new wife after she confronted him about condoms he had in his car (and wasn't using with her, obviously). This is just shit, but more power to Lozado who is getting her patootie out of that marriage pronto.
Speaking of divorce and Kardashian
has said that Humphries
is "a cancer" that she wants cut out of her life. "Kris is the first person I ever had to break-up with and that fucked with my emotions [UM, LUCKY HER] ... He told our producers he would destroy my career and me if the show wasn't edited right."
' lawyers tried to serve Kanye West
with a subpoena by putting it inside a Nordstrom box and delivering it to his house. No far! You guys were exploiting Yeezy's love of retail!
Word is Kimmy
wants her divorce to the "cancer" finalised super-fast so she can marry Kanye West
. CAN YOU IMAGINE THAT WEDDING YOU GUYS IF YEEZY DOESN'T WEAR LEATHER PANTS WE DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW ABOUT IT PROBABLY THERE WILL BE DOVES WITH LASERS ATTACHED TO THEM OHGOHGODOHGOD I HOPE THEY TELEVISE IT.
Meanwhile, the other Kardashians
continue swanning around being rich.
cut her hair. (See gallery.) DON'T U KNO SHE CAN'T B TAMED?
Meanwhile, we haven't forgotten about Courtney Love
reminding us all that 'Heart Shaped Box' is about her coochie and making us all imagine her vagina. So you're not allowed to either.
So Jean-Claude Van Damme
says that he banged Our Kylie
ten billion years ago when they filmed Street Fighter
together. "Yes, yes, yes. It happened. I was in Thailand, we had an affair. Sweet kiss, beautiful lovemaking.
It would be abnormal not to have had an affair, she’s so beautiful and she was there in front of me every day with a beautiful smile, simpatico, so charming, she wasn’t acting like a big star. I knew Thailand very well, so I showed her my Thailand. She’s a great lady." OH GOD KYLIE WHAAAAAT. (Actually, we kind of love this.)
Hey, do you want to see Katy Perry
's bare bum? Go to the gallery. You're welcome.
Hey, do we think that will.i.am
and Cheryl Cole
are doing sex together?
in Barbados. Here they are talking about Chris Brown:
This is real life: a lady (Donna D'Errico
) who used to be on Baywatch
attempted climbing Mt Ararat to find Noah's Ark
. "I've just always wanted to climb Mt. Ararat and search for Noah's Ark... and I know everybody thinks it's funny and it's a big joke and people don't believe in it, but I do." End of the story is she fell down, got injured, but "found a lot of information" but no Noah. Next time, BB!
called Macaulay Culkin
while she was cruising on a boat with Ashton 'The Reason You Have a UTI' Kutcher
and begged him to go to rehab. C'mon, Kunis. (Meanwhile, get better Macaulay!)
Crocs founder George Boedecker
is probably going to jail! For crimes against fashions/eyeballs/crocodiles everywhere! Actually he was busted driving and being drunk as fuck. He apparently told the cops that pulled him over to "fuck themselves in the ass" and also that he is Taylor Swift's loverboy. Then he said he hoped the police officers would die. NOW CAN WE ALL STOP BUYING CROCS, PLS?
(previously of The Hills
) seems like a nice girl and everything, but she hates books and she is torturing them and this upsets us :(
's boyfriend of three years cheated on him. We can't even make a joke, because how does one cheat on the super-human that is A Coop? Lunacy.
frontman, Chris Keating, had this to say about R Kelly
's kind of backhanded compliments for Frank Ocean
: "I think he [Ocean] is a good new face for the R&B world right now, to kind of usher out – no pun intended – some of these folks. Because, let’s get real, R Kelly is a terrible person. I like R Kelly and how crazy he is, but he’s a terrible piece of shit, a horrible person, really bad all around. Let’s get rid of him. Let’s gay it up a little [in R&B]." It's tough appreciating R Kelly
's music but understanding that he is a slimeball. Seriously. (It's easy to hate on the likes of Chris Brown
because objectively, his music is shit.) Le sigh.
's wifey) is delusion personified.
We're ending today's trash with some nice shit, you guys... Last week we had LL Cool J
paying for dinner for strangers, and in this week's Good Guy Celebrities: James Remar
(who you know from Dexter
or as Richard from Sex and the City
) saw a homeless man bleeding from the head as he came out of a grocery store. Remar went back into the store, bought some antiseptic and bandages and dressed the wound for the guy. Remar (who used to be an EMT) also gave the man advice on how to keep the injury clean and free of infection. HOLY MOTHER OF THANK YOU FOR HAVING A SOUL MR REMAR ♡♡♡♡♡♡
And now we'll bring it back from getting too sentimental with some Ma$e
. Harlem World, you don't stop.