has shacked up at his former co-star and buddy Reese Witherspoon
's house in Ojai (somewhere in California) where he is crying all the time and not sparkling like he used to. Apparently he is smoking cigarettes and jogging a lot: "he's huffing past a lavender-scented meadow, a pool, and a horse paddock". Who even wrote that?
Heartbreaker Kristin Stewart
is holed up at her parents' house. We assume to hide from the countless tween/teen girls (and bi-curious boys and bored, overly sexual housewives) who are, no doubt, sending death threats by the second.
Apparently Jessica Biel
doesn't have any female friends and is having a hard time organising her bachelorette party ahead of her marriage to Justin Timberlake
. Girls who don't like other girls are fucking demented, so we choose to believe that Biel
actually has about a hundred lady-pals to invite to her party and they will get fuck-eyed on Patron and swim in the sea at
Puerto Escondido and cook a pig on a spit.
But also, NEVER FORGET :(
Gross, Paris Hilton
is hanging out with Chris Brown
in France. She tweeted a photo of them (see the gallery) and wrote "This is how we party in the South of France! #GoodTimes last night @ChrisBrown ☺♡♫" #coolhashtagParis #youclearlyunderstandsocialmedia #swag #swaggy #swagasaurusrex
and Chris Brown
are still playing kissyface, says everybody.
should make Drake
her boo already, says everybody.
This whole Mila Kunis
and Ashton Kutcher
thing is a really great idea, says nobody.
have been on a romantic vacation in Bali and now the Two and a Half Men d-bag wants to put babies inside her and we just want to find her and save her because we're sure this is some kind of Stockholm Syndrome thing and you know you are better than this, Kunis
. YOU KNOW IT.
It's time for a Kim and Kanye
update. The couple went to Mexico with Joe Francis
(aka the guy who was jailed for making child porn when he shot underage girls flashing their goodies for his Girls Gone Wild
fuckery) and went zip-lining. There's a photo in the gallery. Yeezy looks sweaty. It might make you think of him sexually. It might not be the best.
Lest we forget Kimmy's
and John Mayer
had dinner together at the Chateau Marmont and were holding hands and then they were photographed in a car together (see the gallery) to they are definitely married now. We fully support this union. Mostly because it gets Mayer off the prowl. (In other news, doesn't John Mayer
look like the guy who peaked in high school and now slobs around smoking bongs and getting Cheeto crumbs on his faded polo shirt?)
Speaking of stoners and Katy Perry
, word is that Lindsay Lohan
crashed a party Perry threw for her stylist and KP asked her to leave. Idiot. Everybody knows that parties get BONANZA when Lohan arrives. At the very least somebody would have gotten their car clipped, still... ACTION!
Lest we forget Lindsay
's music career.
The very excellent Joseph Gordon-Levitt
has hit back at the writer of his GQ interview, in which the writer mentions the actor's brother's death: "Using the word 'alleged' technically allows the writer to say whatever she wants. The 'allegations' to which she must be referring were made by a handful of gossip websites. They are factually incorrect according to the coroner’s office and the police department." We say "allegedly" and "apparently" a lot too, Joe. But we're just kidding around. Call me.
is still cuckoo and went on another Twitter rampage saying that Lana Del Rey
should be aware that 'Heart Shaped Box' (which Del Rey covered at Splendour in the Grass
) is about her coochie... AND NOW WE'RE ALL THINKING ABOUT COURTNEY LOVE'S VAGINA. THANKS COURTNEY.
Lest we forget Courtney
's music career. (Really tho.)
reminds us why he's Kunty Karl: "Kate Middleton
has a nice silhouette and she is the right girl for that boy. I like that kind of woman, I like romantic beauties. On the other hand, her sister struggles. I don't like the sister's face. She should only show her back."
All the girls want to bang Ryan Gosling
, so here's some Gosling information: he got lunch at Flore Vegan Cuisine in Silver Lake, LA the other day. Also, continues to be buff.
? You know how she has a son with Lil Wayne
? DID YOU ALSO KNOW THAT SHE WAS MARRIED THE-DREAM
AND HAS THREE KIDS WITH HIM?