Our official response to
Kristen Stewart cheating on
Robert Pattinson (aka Cedric Diggory aka Edward Cullen) is JHSUIYFD&YE&*$T@#TUY#EUREGYUY&(@#IUKWHEKJDBC HOW
COULD SHE? But also we feel kind of sad about the whole thing, because now Kristen Stewart will receive even more death threats from Pattinson fans. Poor love can't get a break: they hate her because she's got him, not they hate her because she doesn't. Whatever, I don't want to talk about it. If anybody needs me, I'LL BE IN MY ROOM!
NVR FRGT
Reason #26618229056
Justin Bieber is special: he's part Native Canadian or Inuit or... we're not sure, and neither is he. "I'm actually part Indian. I think Inuit or something? I'm enough percent that in Canada I can get free gas."
Reason #45674578828 not to follow
The-Dream on
Twitter (but definitely still listen to his songs): he is bad at Twitter. But specifically was talking smack about 'somebody' insisting that she is a has-been and a gold-digger. He has said it wasn't about his ex-girl / baby mama
Christina Milian. IT BETTER NOT BE, TERIUS.
...We'd like to embed a video for both
Terius and
Milian here, but Milian won out. Because we like sequins.
Meanwhile, everybody stop everything right now:
Jon Hamm is possibly a single man. Jon Hamm. Jon Hamm. Jon Hamm. Jon Hamm. Jon Hamm. Jon Hamm. Jon Hamm. Jon Hamm. Jon Hamm. Jon Hamm. Jon Hamm. Jon Hamm. Jon Hamm. Jon Hamm. Jon Hamm. Jon Hamm.
The
Mila Kunis /
Ashton Kutcher rumours are getting out of hand; apparently they have been making out
in public. MILA, SAVE YOURSELF!
Do you want to see
Carly Rae Jepson naked? Apparently there are nudie photos of her in existence. Sext me, maybe.
Rest in peace,
Sherman Hemsley aka Mr Jefferson
. Moved on up, so far he's in Heaven now.
Rihanna is still not boo-ed up with
Drake. This still upsets us. But she looks like she's having a nice holiday and is wearing the fuck outta some bikinis, so that's good.
Michael Lohan is expecting another child. That bodes well.
Heaps of weird shit is happening with the
Jacksons. People said mama Jackson went missing or was kidnapped or something. Now
TJ Jackson (formerly of 3T, remember them?) apparently wants to get custody of MJ's kids. Other than that, we're really not sure what is going on with the Jacksons. So that's standard.
Word is that
Ciara "stalked"
Chris Brown while he was dating
RiRi. Whatevs, here's one of her songs.
It continues to be a fucking travesty that
Jack Donaghy isn't a real life person.
In related news,
Alec Baldwin is still happily married. One day we'll be happy for him. But today is not that day.
Kat Stacks (remember her?) is allegedly going to be deported back to Venezuela. So that's one less groupie for Soulja Boy – or whoever it was – to bang.
Taylor Swift (still a thing) is banging a
Kennedy. Maybe. Does anybody care/understand the Taylor Swift phenomenon? I don't get it. I
want to get it. But I don't get it.
Lindsay Lohan had another car crash. Srsly, somebody get her a pushbike.
Kanye West is maybe/probably going to propose to
Kimmy Kardashian – with a Frankenstein ring that will be made in part from Donda West's most spenno jewellery. We support this union.
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