Our official response to Kristen Stewart
cheating on Robert Pattinson
(aka Cedric Diggory aka Edward Cullen) is JHSUIYFD&YE&*$T@#TUY#EUREGYUY&(@#IUKWHEKJDBC HOW COULD
SHE? But also we feel kind of sad about the whole thing, because now Kristen Stewart will receive even more death threats from Pattinson fans. Poor love can't get a break: they hate her because she's got him, not they hate her because she doesn't. Whatever, I don't want to talk about it. If anybody needs me, I'LL BE IN MY ROOM!
Reason #26618229056 Justin Bieber
is special: he's part Native Canadian or Inuit or... we're not sure, and neither is he. "I'm actually part Indian. I think Inuit or something? I'm enough percent that in Canada I can get free gas."
Reason #45674578828 not to follow The-Dream
(but definitely still listen to his songs): he is bad at Twitter. But specifically was talking smack about 'somebody' insisting that she is a has-been and a gold-digger. He has said it wasn't about his ex-girl / baby mama Christina Milian
. IT BETTER NOT BE, TERIUS.
...We'd like to embed a video for both Terius
here, but Milian won out. Because we like sequins.
Meanwhile, everybody stop everything right now: Jon Hamm
is possibly a single man. Jon Hamm. Jon Hamm. Jon Hamm. Jon Hamm. Jon Hamm. Jon Hamm. Jon Hamm. Jon Hamm. Jon Hamm. Jon Hamm. Jon Hamm. Jon Hamm. Jon Hamm. Jon Hamm. Jon Hamm. Jon Hamm.
The Mila Kunis
/ Ashton Kutcher
rumours are getting out of hand; apparently they have been making out in public
. MILA, SAVE YOURSELF!
Do you want to see Carly Rae Jepson
naked? Apparently there are nudie photos of her in existence. Sext me, maybe.
Rest in peace, Sherman Hemsley
aka Mr Jefferson.
Moved on up, so far he's in Heaven now.
is still not boo-ed up with Drake
. This still upsets us. But she looks like she's having a nice holiday and is wearing the fuck outta some bikinis, so that's good.
is expecting another child. That bodes well.
Heaps of weird shit is happening with the Jacksons
. People said mama Jackson went missing or was kidnapped or something. Now TJ Jackson
(formerly of 3T, remember them?) apparently wants to get custody of MJ's kids. Other than that, we're really not sure what is going on with the Jacksons. So that's standard.
Word is that Ciara
"stalked" Chris Brown
while he was dating RiRi
. Whatevs, here's one of her songs.
It continues to be a fucking travesty that Jack Donaghy
isn't a real life person.
In related news, Alec Baldwin
is still happily married. One day we'll be happy for him. But today is not that day.
(remember her?) is allegedly going to be deported back to Venezuela. So that's one less groupie for Soulja Boy – or whoever it was – to bang.
(still a thing) is banging a Kennedy
. Maybe. Does anybody care/understand the Taylor Swift phenomenon? I don't get it. I want
to get it. But I don't get it.
had another car crash. Srsly, somebody get her a pushbike.
is maybe/probably going to propose to Kimmy Kardashian
– with a Frankenstein ring that will be made in part from Donda West's most spenno jewellery. We support this union.