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The week in trashbaggery - volume 142

13 JUL 2012 | Posted By: Katie

The week in trashbaggery - volume 142

Alec Baldwin
Heidi Klum and Will Ferrell
Johnny Depp
Johnny Depp
Kanye and Kim
Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise
Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise
The Kardashian-Jenners
The Kardashians
Apparently Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise have already settled the terms of their divorce. Cruise's reps have said it's DEFINITELY not because he wants to keep Holmes quiet about a few little secrets. And we all believe him because what would somebody like Tom Cruise be hiding?

Holmes also just registered at a Catholic Church in New York City. She also tweeted "FAK U, L. RON HUBBARD. YA BIG TURKEY HUMPER!" (She didn't, but we're sure she will.)

Meanwhile, Mr Cruise is Scientology royalty in the form of being OT. "OTs are Scientology's elite – enlightened beings who are said to have total "control" over themselves and their environment. OTs can allegedly move inanimate objects with their minds, leave their bodies at will and go to men-only spas to lurk on all the dudes getting sweaty in saunas." 

Pippa Middleton did something. People still give two shits. 

Target refuses to sell Frank Ocean's debut LP Channel Orange and says its a "business decision". Messy though, considering the store's history with le gays. 

Usher has decided to be less rough on his ex-wifey and baby mama Tameka Foster during their divorce, since Tameka's son (from a previous partner) just had a jet-ski accident that left him brain damaged. :(

BREAKING NEWS: Jessica Alba still looks hawt in togs. 

...So does Scarlett Johansson

Adam Levine is still dating that Victoria's Secret model. Not the first one, her mate. Now when the VS models get itchy crotches nobody will be able to figure out if it's because of the rayon knickers or Levine. 

Amber Heard is totally the reason Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis broke up, says Paradise. Chin up, honeychild! You had him at his prime. (Actually, Kate Moss and Winona Ryder did, let's not mention that because we don't want to be jerks to Vanessa during this difficult time.)

Remember when Heidi Klum and Seal were married? Miss them. 

Raz B from B2K – you had forgotten all about B2K, right? – injured himself when he fell through a glass door at a hotel. We are terrible people because this video is kinda the only reason we're including that news.

The world's fattest lady, who weighs around 728 pounds (330+ kilograms), is losing all her KGs with SEXERCISE. She says of the sex: "My bed is strengthened and, although I can’t buy sexy lingerie, I drape a nice sheet over me." Now, let's all go get a donut/boner/both. (Srsly though, good on her. It's a proven fact that banging is 43724432567657438324 times more fun that a spin class.)

Jamie Oliver's wifey is fuelling the term 'psycho girlfriend', she told The Daily Mail "Yeah, I’ll check his email. I’ll check his Twitter. I’ll check his phone. Everything seems fine... He says I’m a jealous girl, but I think I’m fairly laid-back..." C'mon, BB. You're making us all look bad. 

Remember the Black Eyed Peas

Morgan Freeman is kind of a killjoy. He said everybody forgets that the POTUS "had a mama, and she was white – very white American, Kansas, middle of America. There was no argument about who he is or what he is. America's first black president hasn't arisen yet. He's not America's first black president – he's America's first mixed-race president." 

Sorry Mr Freeman, you'll have to speak up, we can't hear you over HOVA AND JEEZY.

Mick Jagger one time boned Angelina Jolie and then god obsessed with her and called her all the time and was like "Angie, Angie, when will those clouds all disappeeeeeee-ar?" (Fuck you, my dad will have loved that one.)

24-year-old Evan Rachel Wood – from previous roles as Tracy in Thirteen and Marilyn Manson's GF – got her nose pierced and put the video of it on YouTube BECAUSE SHE IS A BADASS MOTHERFUCKER DON'T MESS.

We don't have any Kim Kardashian / Kanye news this week. So we're going to go have a cry. 

But Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick had a baby girl. (Mazel tov!) They called her Penelope. This is all too reasonable for a Kardashian story. 

Alec Baldwin is still married to Hilaria Thomas. (I still have hives. CALL ME, ALEC.)

This is the hotness, right here. (People you don't want to make out with #5218: Chet Haze.)

Follow @katiealiceolsen
The week in Trashbaggery - volume 229
The week in trashbaggery - volume 228
The week in trashbaggery - volume 227
The week in trashbaggery - volume 226
The week in trashbaggery - volume 225
The week in trashbaggery - volume 224
The week in trashbaggery - volume 223
Comments on this Post
There are "1" comment(s) on "The week in trashbaggery - volume 142"

Respect fujiko-san
Chet Haze made my eyes/ears bleed.
fujiko-san  -  2 years ago
Reply  |  Report

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