Demi Moore is being treated for stress and exhaustion (read: a diet consisting of valium stew and cigarettes) because breaking up with douchenugget
Ashton Kutcher has been so tough. If you ask us (which you haven't, but shuddup) she should be sipping Veuve and dancing around to 'Ding Dong The Witch is Dead'.
...Also, we'd like to see her get back with
ol' baldy Bruce, because he is aging very well and we believe him to be a good man. (And a dirty lovah.)
Rest in peace,
Etta James.
Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis news. She says: "The idea of a soulmate is beautiful and very romantic to talk about it in a movie or a song, but in reality I find it scary." We hear: "Back of sluts, you have no idea how much homeboy loves me, you tragic paupers."
In other celebrity break-up news. Can we all stop and have a minute of silence for the couple that was
Heidi Klum and Seal? We are not making a joke about this because they lorded over Halloween and we might as well cancel the whole fucking holiday now.
Wayne Coyne (Flaming Lips) is working with
Ke$ha at the moment and Tweeted a picture of a bunch of white powder lines. Apart from homeboy being the opposite of subtle, he's also not neat.
Let's be real though, you'd want to be tripping to make this.
Cynthia Nixon (aka the redhead from Sex and The City) says that she indeed
chose to be gay. "Why can’t it be a choice? Why is that any less legitimate? It seems we’re just ceding this point to bigots who are demanding it, and I don’t think that they should define the terms of the debate. I also feel like people think I was walking around in a cloud and didn’t realize I was gay, which I find really offensive. I find it offensive to me, but I also find it offensive to all the men I’ve been out with."
And on the subject of
SATC, let's all relive the worst moment in cinematic history. (Including
that scene from
Requiem For A Dream.)
Kardashian time! The who is Khlo-Khlo's daddy saga continues, and in true Kardashian style, they are ca$hing in on it. So they're making an episode in which they explore the idea that
Alex Roldan (hair-stylist/fame-seeker) is her papa.
Jennifer Aniston is with child. Again. Oh Jen, we worry about your happiness so.
Best news we've heard all week?
Justin Bieber wants to remake
Fear and play the
Marky Mark character. OHMYGOD CAN YOU IMAGINE THE ROLLER-COASTER SCENE OR THE PART WHEN HE BEATS HIMSELF UP AND BLAMES THE DAD?
Kristin Cavalleri (aka girl from
The Hills who isn't LC) is pregnant. :|
Something, something. WHY HAVE WE NOT HEARD ABOUT
BLUE IVY CARTER THIS WEEK?
What an excellent skill to have, you're hired.