We homo sapiens have been hard at work inventing shit since the beginning of time. From the wheel to the rubber fist, we've been balls deep in the business of making new things. Whether it's to fix world-felt problems, to move another step ahead of the current technology or just to make something cool for the hell of it, our incessant need to create is unstoppable. However, although this innate need is at once progressive and productive, it has also been the father of some of the dumbest and most destructive brain-farts the universe has ever seen. Let us enlighten you.
1. The Segway - Invented by American entrepreneur Dean Kamen, the two-wheeled, self-balancing electric powered douchemobile doesn't fall under the 'destructive' category of our list, but it sure as hell falls hard on its arse under our 'dumbest' one.
2. Fake tan - Sunless tanning has been around since the 1960s when health authorities deemed sitting out in the sun covered in Western Star butter and holding a piece of foil under your face a really bad idea. Whether your skin poison is sitting in a UV tanning bed or spraying your junk with orange paint, you've chosen a shit idea/bad invention. It's turned women and men into glazed hams, human baseball gloves and knob-jockeys.
3. Up-late gameshows - We thank every single make-believe god in the universe that these abhorrations of nature are no longer a part of our night to night lives. Having some annoying, hyperactive, rambling fuck-wit yelling at you for nearly FOUR HOURS was the work of Beelzebub and whoever was responsible for birthing it needs a garden shovel to the temple.
4. The gun - The invention of the gun began with the invention of gunpowder by the Chinese in the 9th century which then led onto the invention of the Chinese fire lance, which are what historians commonly recognise as the first gun. The rest is a violent, bloody and death-ridden history that's littered with nothing positive or redeeming.
5. Arctic-themed bars - A truly stupid invention. "hmmm, let's make a drinking establishment that's ridiculously cold, overpriced and crap". A direct quote from Captain Dipshit, the inventor of the ice bar*.
6. Scientology - This one's a doozy. A 'religion' that's based on the Sci-Fi ramblings of a card-carrying, A-grade fruitcake. L. Ron Hubbard has managed to dupe a massive number of us human beings, including wealthy and powerful celebrities, into forking out shitloads of dough and braincells to a cult, yes a cult, that bows down to a god called Xenu who lives in space and shoots lasers from his butthole. Well done Ron.
7. Ed Hardy - The.Worst.Clothing.Label.Ever.Made. The designs of tattoo artist Ed Hardy have been exploited by haberdouchery master Christian Audigier and placed on the backs of some of the planets ultimate peanuts, including the Jersey Shore cast. They love it. Fact.
8. Sketchers - Leaving 80s footwear label LA Gear in 1992, Michael Greenberg and his old man Robert set up Sketchers. Granted, they may have been cool in the 90s, they are certainly not anymore. With Britney and Kim Kardashian as past and present ambassadors, you know you're scraping the sole barrel. They look like specially designed shoes for people with walking disabilities.
9. Agent Orange - The code name for the US military's spearhead weapon in their herbicidal warfare program during the Vietnam war. An estimated 400,000 Vietnamese were killed and approximately 500,000 children were born with birth defects due to its toxic, lingering after-effects. Designed to destroy the ability for the locals to support themselves via agriculture, Agent Orange also happened to kill the shit out them as well. Good work.
10. Reality TV - The potential death of civilisation. Something must be done. No one cares about nobodies talking about crap, crying, running up hills or building shit. Not only has it destroyed our ability/want to make quality shows like The Late Show
or Blue Murder
, it's created an idiot faux-celebrity machine. Kill it now.
*Captain Dipshit may not have invented the ice bar