If you wanna be a badass, movie worthy gang, there's a few things you've just gotta get right. For starters, you have to be tough and intimidating. You know, the kind of tough and intimidating that makes people wanna cross the street as you and your minions strut down the sidewalk kicking over trash cans, manhandling innocent bystanders and causing general mayhem. No exceptions there.
Secondly, you gotta dress right. No use attempting to shake down the local milk bar wielding a pair of arseless chaps, an emo sweep fringe and a Save The Whales rubber charity bracelet, you gotta have threatening threads to go with your killer swag. Think scary masks, chains, lots of black and no propeller hats, for the love of God, no propeller hats.
Lastly, we recommend you and your burgeoning goon squad load up on some fuck off nasty weapons. No one's gonna take you seriously unless you're swinging some nail infested 2x4s, barbwire wrapped Louisville Sluggers, some Uzis and other assorted high-powered assault weapons.
Look, we're no experts but this stuff is simple, general knowledge kinda shit, right? Right. So why is it that movies have a notorious reputation for fucking it all up??? Honestly, WHY DO THEY THINK LEATHER VESTS WITH NO SHIRTS ON UNDERNEATH MAKE PEOPLE SCARY??!!!
Don't know what we mean? Here's our top five least scary movie gangs. Pathetic.
1. The Joker's crew in Batman (1989) -
Granted Jack Nicholson was creepy as hell, surrounding yourself with a gang who dress wear berets and get their jollies from Prince isn't gonna cut it.
2. Young Guns -
Sure it was the Wild West and black wasn't a common colour amongst outlaws, but when you've got Emilio Estevez (in a stupid bowler hat), Kiefer Sutherland, Dylan McDermott and Lou Diamond Phillips (sporting a hideous ponytail) threatening to gang rob your caboose, things could be a lot worse. Oh, and Bon Jovi singing your theme song doesn't help.
3. The Baseball Furies from The Warriors
- Don't get us wrong, The Warriors is an awesome movie with an even more awesome soundtrack, buuuuuuuut... The Baseball Furies are one of the shittest looking gangs ever to prance across the big screen. The baseball uniforms are a joke in themselves, but when you add a makeup job that looks like it was done at the local fate, you're fucked.
4. Cobra Kai gang from The Karate Kid
- Skeletons are scary, yes. Skin tight skeleton-suited pubescent bullies hopping around like idiots? Not so much.
5. The greasers from the The Outsiders
- Combine Patrick Swayze, Rob Lowe, Tom Cruise, Emilio Estevez and a shit load of Puerto Rican Tuxedos and you've got yourself no reason whatsoever to shit your pants. Sorry Francis Ford Coppola.