Last week Prime Minister Julia Gillard came out strongly against the legalisation of gay marriage, saying that she'll put it down to a conscience vote in parliament but that the law "should continue unchanged". Oh, OK. Wait, what?
Ms Gillard, we're not quite sure what you're frightened of. How would gay marriage negatively affect your life in any way? How would it lessen the commitment between a man and a women? Who even cares?
We decided to try and give you a little perspective. Maybe you're not actually cold-hearted, just a bit confused? We're not trying to trivialise the issue or anything, but it really is the least
scary thing in the world, for reals. Here are ten things that are scarier than gay marriage:
Polar ice-caps melting
Heat-trapping gases from the burning of fossil fuels are causing the Earth’s temperature to rise and encouraging extreme weather conditions. The planet is getting so toasty the ICE-CAPS ARE MELTING INTO NOTHING. Where is Santa going to live? But seriously, the glaciers in Greenland have even started collapsing. That’s terrifying.
BOB in Twin Peaks
Ah, hello? He possesses people and makes them do evil and complicated things and is the scariest TV bad guy of all time! If you had to choose to be stuck in a room with BOB or legalising gay marriage... NO CONTEST.
Who came up with this concept? Ms Gilard, you should really be hunting down the person responsible and jailing them, because jeggings have corrupted society way more than any wedding of any kind ever could.
Heidi Montag is everything that is scary about contemporary culture: the ‘famous for being famous’ phenomenon, extreme societal pressures to conform to a ‘plastic’ notion of beauty, and people who marry controlling twats. If Heidi and Spencer are allowed to get married, how the hell is marriage still 'sacred'? (Clearly J.Gill does not watch The Hills.)
HOW MANY TIMES HAS GAY MARRIAGE NEARLY RIPPED YOUR FACE OFF?
The vomit, the demonic voice, the shaking bed, the spider scene in the extended addition! Yikes. This movie was so freaking creepy to make they actually had a real priest come and bless the set after several ‘incidents’ (sets mysteriously burning, Linda Blair’s harness breaking as she was thrashing on the bed, causing permanent spine damage). Heaps scary.
The world running out of money
Remember that time that the world’s superpowers experienced a severe financial crisis, LOLOLOLOL – wait, that’s super bad. What’s scarier is that people talk about the GFC like it’s something that happened in the past, when economic forecasters have said that for Australia at least, the worse may be still yet to come.
This pretty much sums it up.
Hardee’s Monster Thickburger
Even though this year everyone was making a big deal about Hungry Jack’s Ultimate Double Whopper and its 80 grams of fat, it’s American chain Hardee’s that really takes the, er, cake. There is ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY grams of fat in this burger, and it’s legal to sell.
Two and a Half Men
This is still the number one show in Australia The premiere episode of this season of Two and a Half Men was watched by three million Australians. Just to put it in perspective, the population of Australia is only about 22 million people.
Marriage rights for everybody!