Welcome to Lifelounge kitchen! Today we're cooking: a Quentin Tarantino movie.
"WE LOVE LIFELOUNGE KITCHEN! JEWS RULE!"
Follow our simple steps, and you'll be every actor's favourite creep/ a piece of annoying, non-specific sticky mass on every other filmmaker's shoe:
Step 1: Put on an apron and make sure you are preparing ingredients in front of a splash back surface. Things are bound to get to messy and you might need protection (however, shoes are not required. In fact, just don't wear them. Leave them bare. Paint your nails. Where was I?).
Step 2: Melt down liberal amounts of Samuel L Jackson in a microwave proof bowl. This is essential to the recipe and will enhance its flavour, but while eating it you won't really notice it's there.
Step 3: Fold in a few young female stars. The freshness and appearance of these stars is a necessity, the less appealing they are the less use they have. Male stars may age like a mouldy cheese, in fact the more decrepit the better.
Step 4: Take older, lesser known recipes and incorporate them into your dish. The key is to taste like other dishes, but not so much that it tastes like you're copying– you're being complex after all. It's your homage to another recipe.
Step 5: Add sliced meat to your bowl, sectioning them in the most bloody and disgusting ways you could possibly fathom. Squishing them under your feat, shooting it with rock salt, cutting off extremities, biting off extremities, poisoning and burying alive are all acceptable.
Step 6: Grate a hefty dose of irony over the mixture, not stopping until it is completely coated. "Oh, you thought that I thought these clothes/songs/ dances were cool? HOW EMBARRASSING FOR YOU!"etc.
Step 7: Being a chef of the people, you like to shine a light on ingredients that people don't like anymore. Is everyone over coconut water? Pour that sucker in! Cheese fondue seem old fashioned and irrelevant. Load 'er up friends!
Step 8: Likewise, do not use crockery younger than 20 years-old.
Step 9: It is now time to put your dish in an over-hyped oven, pre-heated to 400 degrees. Cooking time is short, you don't want to keep people waiting!
Step 10: Time for the presentation! Allow your guests to become comfortable and then give them a long winded, convulated idea of what they're getting. Then as they sit their confused, start throwing handfuls of the dish at their faces. "There is no room for subtlety when it comes to this meal!" you scream, while hurling hot meats across the room. "You don't like? YOU JUST DON'T GET IT!". Everyone will leave loving food, and you, just that little bit more.