In Moby Dick
, Ishmael says that he often finds himself "growing grim about the mouth and wanting to knock people’s hats off". We can't be entirely sure of what Ishmael meant (given he is a fictional character, it kind of limits interview potential) but we think we know the answer– mouth ulcers.
Mouth ulcers are one of the most mind numbing, all consuming, brain shittingly frustrating conditions of human existence. It sits there, painfully taunting you, but you know that you can't complain about it without seem like a total wuss. So you sit it out, gingerly eating salty and acidic foods (a.k.a the BEST kinds of food) until it leaves your life in 3 to 4 days.
It's always the most minor medical conditions that leave you the most furious. Here is the Lifelounge guide to the worst and most annoying minor medical mishaps:
For raw, unadulterated fury, see above.
"AGGGHHHHH!". These bad boys hurt so much. And don't you even THINK of cutting up an orange! That option is now gone.
A sty is an infection of the eye, and causes your eyelid to develop a red bump and droop. Doctors recommend you strap a warm teabag to your face to reduce inflammation, which is uncomfortable and makes you look like a douchebag pirate.
Biting your tongue
Sweet Jesus this hurts. You sort of wag your tongue around your mouth for a while, trying to avoid any contact with those white talons that were once your friends, but there is no relief.
Hitting your funny bone
Funny bones aren't funny. Who named them that? The should be called the pain bone, which when slightly touched send 'ouch' vibrations throughout your body.
Have you ever been in bed, warm, cosy and grateful that the day is done, and you move your foot slightly only to unleash a shooting pain that contorts your foot, and makes you feel like a demonic spirit has inhabited your body? Apparently it has something to do with a depletion of salt in the body, so best keep a vat of chicken salt by your bed at all times.
You know the worst bit about torn cuticles? Band-aids do nothing. They either just flop off your finger, or cause the skin underneath to become even more
soft and delicate. YOU CANNOT WIN.
Just... the worst.
Giving you pain without any physical evidence of their existence. Like God.
Pins and Needles
We can put men and women on the moon, and yet we can't find a cure for pins and needles? HURRY UP, SCIENCE!