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Lifelounge guide to fictional creatures we wish were real

08 FEB 2012 | Posted By: Em-T

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Lifelounge guide to fictional creatures we wish were real

A Reverse Mermaid
 
A Reverse Mermaid
 
Baby Pegasus
 
BLESS! Pegasus
 
Buckbeack the Hippogriff
 
Dumbly and his Phoenix
 
Falcor
 
Falcor... with another mythical creature, Jesus
 
Genie
 
Just your average Beast
When it comes to the realm of fantasy fiction, books, TV, acid tabs, and epilepsy-inducing video games have taught us to be imaginative. They've taught us to dream... but dreaming also comes with its downfalls. Namely, feeling constantly ripped off that you never have what your little heart desires: fairies, flying things, and creatures that will grant you wishes.

Here's some we still really wish were true.

Flying dog
...and by flying dog we mean Falcor the luck dragon. (Some people on the internet become quite upset if you get that one wrong.) 
Pro: Cuddly yet will shove it up those schoolyard bullies. Also, has its own '80s theme song.
Con: Looks suspiciously like Posh Spice.


Unicorn

Seriously, what little girl didn't want a unicorn? Pure, defenseless, and sometimes voiced by Mia Farrow; there's not much this mythical creature can't do with the help of its phallic forehead attachment.
Pro: Depending on which scripture you subscribe to, the blood of the unicorn will keep you alive (even though killing it will doom to you a condemned life, as Voldemort found out.)
Con: It's slim pickings on the unicorn front, meaning they're most likely quite pricey. 


Pegasus
If this mythical creature were a sport, it would be tennis: graceful, reserved for the rich elite, and always served in white.
Pro: Educates you on classical music by the likes of Bach, Beethoven, and Tchaikovsky.
Con: Doesn't have a phallic forehead attachment.


The flying unicorn

Seriously, why hasn't anybody thought of this yet?! We're onto something, you guys.
Pro: Totally original and solves that excruciating dilemma every young girl faces of choosing allegiance between the Pegasus and the unicorn.
Con: Also happens to be a really disturbing sexual position

Hippogriff
This flying creature is the result of a truly imaginative fuckfest: a lion, an eagle, and a horse going at it like rabbits. (Just imagine if there was a rabbit in that gene pool, too.)
Pro: SAVES SIRIUS. 
Con: Is the victim of dubious CGI special effects.


A reverse mermaid

Fish head, human genitals: it's the less attractive, but more utilitarian, version of the traditional mermaid. 
Pro: You can't shag Ariel.
Con: Will probably kill you.

 
The Beast
"I know he looks frightful, but he's really very gentle and kind." (Thank you, Mr. Disney.)
Pro: Can your cat turn into a dashing young Prince with riches and a castle full of servants if you're nice enough to it? Didn't think so. Also, if you go by the Jean Cocteau version, the Beast can also moonlight as that lion in The Wizard of Oz. 
Con: Will be left with the unfortunate nickname of "Beast" long after he magically transforms into a Swedish gigolo.


Wookiees
You didn't think we'd forget Chewy, did you?
Pro: Makes for a good sidekick despite nonsensical ranting. Will help you beat the Death Star if you feed it enough cookies.
Con: Is also a derogatory term for female US Marines because of the hair and its distinct inability to do anything right.


Australian Panther

"Why do all the people from Lithgow look the same? Clones escaped from some "Centrelink" program, no doubt." (Thank you, YouTube.)
Pro: Won't disrupt the fragile Australian ecosystem as apparently it's already totally naturalised.
Con: Is the result of dubious news reporting.


The Phoenix
If it's good enough for Dumby, it's good enough for everybody.
Pro: Makes pretty sweet music. Can heal with its tears. Is magic. Can also potentially blow up the world, if you're into that sort of thing.
Con: Will routinely set off fire detectors.


The Genie
Pretty sure grown men have gone mad trying to get their hands on a magic lamp.
Pro: Voiced by Robin Williams. Can get you out of caves. Puts on great parades.
Con: Can't bring people back from the dead, make anybody fall in love with anybody else, or be your henchman. Also, ix-nay on the wishing for more wishes. (Is there anything fun he can do?)
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