People in cults are seriously creepy – and not just because Today Tonight dubs black and white film of their members with slowly ominous backing tracks (aka ‘The Paedophile Music’). But many of us happy-go-lucky Australians believe it’s mindless Yanks who have them cropping up in the thousands. Not true, people. Not true!
Of course, when you think about it, you could group together the weird behaviour of pretty much anybody and label it occultism – sneaker-fanatics, Freemasons, people who go to church every Sunday, yuppies who insist on soy lattes because humans “aren’t yet evolved to digest dairy”. But FYI, according to national cult awareness societies (yes, we have those) we’re too are home to shit-loads of the more conventional type.
Yes, you heard correctly:
cults are everywhere. They’re down the road from your house, waiting for you with a hat made out of tin-foil and a cup full of fairy juice, chanting vehemently with spittle forming around the corners of their mouths. Lest you stumble across a sect unawares, here are some of the ones you really should be watching out for.
The Family
Foster parents are kind, saintly altruists who love children and happiness, right? Not always. In the '70s and '80s cult leader Anne Hamilton-Byrne, along with the help of local doctors and community members, tricked an estimated 14 parents into giving up their children for adoption to her. Her eerie ‘Children of God’ brood ended up more Children of the Corn with matching outfits and peroxide hair. They were then beaten, starved, drowned and fed LSD to broaden their adolescent experiences. Sound homely? Take a train trip down the Melbourne Belgrave line and you may just meet the woman who got away with it.
The Little Pebble
Do you like touching minors? Has the Virgin Mary specifically chosen twelve underage “queens” for you to marry and bear children with? Maybe you want to create “a new nation, a new race” with your “seed”? Hmm. Sounds like William Kamm and you may have something in common.
Kenja
We have a friend from Kenya. She’s really nice. She's a good speller and she likes to cuddle. People from the Australian group Kenja, however, are only one of these things. Leader Ken Dyers will practice eye-control techniques and ‘flug’ (code word for hug) you… before running off with your life savings. Basic rule? Don’t let Ken touch you.
The Church of Scientology
Let’s call a spade a spade, and a creepy cult a creepy cult. Scientology isn’t quite so big in Melbourne, but in the chic inner-city suburbs of Sydney you can easily spot people lingering outside many ominous buildings, as they wait around for L. Ron Hubbard to write another sci-fi novel or for somebody to pop in a video-tape of
Top Gun.
Amway
You just wanted to climb the pyramid, didn’t you? One minute you’re selling dishwashing detergent to your loved ones, the next you’re dressing like a droid, asking your “superior” for approval to marry your girlfriend, and attempting to sell toilet paper in bulk at dinner parties.
Sathya Sai Baba
Highly credible current affair shows (um) say the leader of this cult is a little-boy touching, paranormal-pretending, bonafide maniac. He says he’s just a really nice guy who can make stuff move by looking at it. Genuine creep or just like that bald kid out of the Matrix who can bend spoons?
You decide.
If you or somebody you know is experiencing mind-control, you should probably ask The Leader for approval before visiting
cifs.org.au.