During the week I received a very special package in the mail that I had been waiting with baited breath for many weeks to arrive – it was some illegal Cuban coffee that I'd read about on a secret government website that I had hacked into. The coffee bean, or Death Breath as it is called on the black market, is grown in nothing but tiger manure, then roasted and infused with the adrenalin glands of 14 cobra snakes and finally packed by naked virgins into hemp paper bags. I drank one cup of the tonic and woke up 14 hours later, naked and covered in fluorescent orange paint with a segment of a Rubic's Cube lodged firmly up my anus. God knows what happened, but I think I had a good time.
And that brings us to this weeks topic: the best toys from the 1980s.
That was a logical segue, wasn't it?
I was playing with Micro Machines well after a grown boy should have been. (I know this because the hottest girl in our classroom told me so and everybody laughed at me. She later developed a cocaine addiction in her 20s and I'm pretty sure she's dead now, so I guess I won that battle, hey Angela Kingsbury?) The ads were awesome and featured John Mischitta talking really quickly and pepped up to his eyeballs on SPEEEEED!!
A Note to John Mischitta's legal team: That last allegation was entirely assumptions on my behalf and I have no proof in any way that John Mischitta has ever used narcotics of any description. But shit, he must have been on something, if you know what I mean. *sniff sniff*
You could always tell the rich kids from the "other" kids at school. The rich ones were rockin' out Reebok Pumps, talking about their holiday to World Expo '88 whilst playing with their full Voltron set. Meanwhile, the rest of us were talking up how comfy our Aerosport 3000's were whilst playing Spit Catch - a game where one person spits and the other person catches said spit, because we couldn't afford proper sporting equipment. Voltron – Defender of the Universe or Ostraciser of the Playground? I'll let you decide...
Garbage Pail Kids
Sometimes amazing things are born from hatred. Take the Garbage Pail Kids Trading Cards for example – obviously their creator Mark Newgarden was so vehemently against the vomit-inducing cuteness of the Cabbage Patch Kids that he created a whole franchise dedicated to smearing their good name. And thank the good lawd above that he did! I mean, listen to some of these characters – Smelly Kelly, Disgustin' Justin, Soft Boiled Sam, Bad Breath Seth, Wrinkled Rita, Mushy Marsha, Windy Winston – IT IS UTTER GENIUS. They even made a movie about them, which I haven't seen it and think it would probably be atrocious, but geez... THEY MADE A FILM ABOUT SOME TRADING CARD CHARACTERS THAT WERE BASED ON A FUNNY PUN OF A POPULAR GIRLS DOLL! You try and get over 3.0 on IMDB
based on them facts.
First invented by a parent who was sick of watching his son play with his testicles, Madballs was mostly famous due to a successful advertising campaign. I mean, seriously, it's just a spherical piece of foam. It's got a 'wacky' head on it. It bounces. That's pretty much it. BUT IF YOU PUT IT TO A CATCHY TUNE AND HAVE THE WORD 'BALLS' IN THE TITLE, THE FUN THAT ENSUES IS FRIGGEN RIDICULOUS! GIMMEGIMMEGIMME!
Before Michael Bay went and ruined EVERYTHING, The Transformers were the
force to be reckoned with. In the mid to late '80s, there wasn't a schoolyard in the universe without children making that CHI-CHO-CHEW-CHEE-CHOO sound
. Now I want to stab myself in the larynx with a broken beaker full of hydrochloric acid for even thinking about mentioning them. But I suppose this half-baked list would be incomplete without a nod of the cap to the once mighty robots in disguise. Damn you, Michael Bay.
He-Man & the Masters of the Universe
MY MAIN MAN HE-MAN! You can keep your "Nintendo Powerglove" and your "Barbie" and your "Stretch Armstrong" and your "M.U.S.C.L.E." and your "Battle Beasts" and your "Slinky" and your "Pound Puppies" and your "Operation" and your "Wuzzles" and your "Mask" and your "WWF Wrestling Figurines" and your "Care Bears", because I've got all the friends I need down at Castle Grayskull. Watching He-Man battle it against the myriad of evil loons was such a treat, if only to hear Skeletor screech each episode, "YOU FOOOOOOOL!"
But the real genius of The Masters of the Universe was in the toys. Snake Mountain had a REAL microphone; Thunderpunch He-Man used caps to make a bang when he threw a punch; Battle Armour He-Man had a rotating chest plate showing different damaged states; Grizzlor had fur; Mossman had moss; and Trap-Jaw just had a lot of awesome shit going on...
Isn't there some fashion rule to take at least one accessory off before leaving the house? NOT FOR TRAP-JAW, HE IS SO STAUNCH THAT HE PUTS SHIT ON.
And then there was Hordak. Hordak was so badass that Skeletor used to team up with He-Man to kick his arse. THAT SHIT NEVER HAPPENS!! That's like Steve Jobs wandering up to Bill Gates and saying, "He BG, fancy kicking Linux creator, Linus Torvalds' ass?" then Bill would say, "Ha! Why bother?" and Steve would say, "Ha! Fair point" and then they would count their money until they fell asleep.
But Hordak had something that Linus Torvalds doesn't have – a house with a slime trap. Check his amazing pad out:
Slime trap! Who are you Hordak? One of the cast from You Can't Do That On Television
? You so crazah!
Don't forget to check out the image gallery for a
creative look at some of the best Masters of the Universe costumes gracing our fair planet.
Words by Mr Technology. More at thevine.com.au