Coachella this, Coachella that, errybody's talking bout Coachella. And fair enough too, as year after year it produces a lineup worthy of epic gushing and more FB status updates than that douche bag you're friends with who feels compelled to tell you every single irrelevant detail of his life. Plus, with the live stream
going on it's made it possible for those who are unable to make the pilgrimage and with decent enough broadband to get a little snifter of the action online.
In the lead-up to the uber-festival, one of the little games people like to play is concocting their dream lineup of wailing hipsters, self-inflated whiskey-soaked rockstars and overpaid DJs. Well, good for them but we reckon that's BORING. So instead, we've put together our own little fantasy festival lineup list dedicated to the bands and artists that would never in a gazillion years be invited to play at the almighty Coachella 2012.
1. Craig McLachlan & Check 1, 2: Whoever let Craig into the recording studio needs help.
2. The Bruce Willis Blues Band: He may be a legendary action movie star with an equally legendary divorce rate, but old Brucey boy is far from awesome in front of the mic.
3. Right Said Fred: Extraodinarily camp douchebags in mesh singlets raving on about how much sexier they are than random shit does not qualify you a place at Coachella. Ever.
4. Creed: Fans actually believed these cockbags were descendants of Christ. Lead singer Scott Stapp's voice is enough to warrant setting your own face on fire.
5. 30-Odd Foot of Grunt: Please Rusty, for the love of God, let it die.
6. Kid Rock: The epicentre of white-trash douchery and deserved of an elbow to the teeth by Lynard Skynard for taking a giant dump on their track
7. The Bacon Brothers: Granted, Kev's voice isn't too bad. However, Coachella? We think not.
8. Stefan Dennis: Let us never speak of this abomination again.
9. Chumbawumba: I wonder how many people have been punched in the face in shitty backpacker bars because of this song? Lots.
10. Morris Minor and the Majors: Who?! what?! All you need to know is to look out for the unspeakably badly placed Neighbours sampleCraig McLa